3 Year Old Girl W/ Anger Issues

When my daughter was that age she did the exact same thing - get angry and out of control and would go on about it forever! It could be a phase or any number of things, but I would suggest you take a look at her diet. It's uncommon, but some food allergies cause neurological symptoms in kids. In our particular case, my girl has a sensitivity to red artificial food coloring (most people have never heard of this, even some doctors). Preservatives in foods have also been thought to cause these issues. The only way I know of to test it is to remove these things from her diet for at least 2 weeks and see if things improve.

Good luck, I know how draining it is! I hope you find your solution.

Wow, that sounds really hard! I don't have personal experience with this but I would definitely second the advice to look at her diet. There are some good books out there about food sensitivities/allergies (google or hit up the library). There are also some good books about spirited kids and ways to work with them (try searching with the term "spirited" since I can't remember any titles off the top of my head).

I think you are wise to avoid spanking/slapping. I don't think that will do any good whatsoever and may well make the situation worse. I would suggest creating a "calm spot" of some sort in your house. Maybe a bean bag or big cushion or something. If she starts having a melt down, calmly go to her, get down on her level and say "I see you are really upset". If she can talk about the problem, great, work through it with her. If she is too upset and doesn't want to talk, be held, etc. tell her "I see you are too upset to be with me right now - you need some time in the calm spot". Bring her to the calm spot and tell her she needs to stay there until she can calm down enough for you to help her.

This is not a time out - it shouldn't be used as a punishment because she's upset. Its a place for her to get her emotions out safely and work on calming down. I would put this in a central part of the house (not behind a closed door in her room) and keep checking back with her, even if only visually so that when she is ready for you to help her, you're there.

Will she stay in the calm spot? No, she will not. At first. Every time she gets up, pick her up gently and say the exact same thing (I am here to help you when you are ready or something similar - do not say ANYTHING else). Put her back. You may have to do this 20 times when you first start the process because its new and she wants to test it out.

What you want to work on is a way for her to learn some coping techniques that don't require her to squash her emotions. I know some parents will stay through a whole tantrum and hold a writhing/hitting child, but that can be very difficult and may prolong the tantrum for some children (you could try it, though).

Bottom line - she is probably an intense, emotional kid and that is good. She is also three. A lot of adults aren't that good at emotional regulation. Three year olds are really poor at it. You are there to help her learn to manage frustration, anger, etc. Its a fine line between being present but not encouraging/giving attention to the negative behavior. Thats why I think the calm spot with as little negative reaction as possible is a good idea. She isn't being abandoned to deal with a flood of emotions, but the screaming/hitting, etc aren't being encouraged either.

Give her lots of positive, focused attention when she isn't having a meltdown too so you know she is getting enough of that. If you try a few techniques and her reactions still seem really out of whack (give the techniques a few weeks of consistent use by both you and your husband though), talk to your pediatrician or call your school district - there is definitely more help out there.

Good luck - parenting spirited kids can be so challenging!

B.

I am currently reading a book called Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood. We haven't started implementing most of the concepts yet because our daughter is still pretty young, so I can't say for sure how well it works, but I know that some teachers use this method with success. Good Luck

If, after taking her to the doctor, there doesn't seem to be any medical or diet issues, read this book. It's awesome! It really helped my husband and I get on the same page and reduced our boy's stress level.

"NO! Why Kids - of All Ages - Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It" by Dr. David Walsh

This is in response to V.C.'s comments:

I think that ignoring behavior is winning a battle, but losing .... well, war is a bad analogy when comparing it to raising children but my point is to think of the big picture.

I'm guessing as a parent that you want your child to grow up to have solid values, respect for others and great social, life and problem-solving skills. To get there, think "coach" and focus on how you can train and teach your child to do these things.

For example when you know she's going to have a fit, stop and say something like "you want (whatever it is she wants), I want (this) because (of this reason). What can we do?" Then work together to find a solution. NOW you're teaching problem solving skills. You're modeling negotiation and showing her how to have her goals met while being empathetic about another person's perspective. Isn't that a GREAT skill for your child to have? I can tell you that your heart bursts with pride when you overhear her resolving a conflict on her own.

Another thing to do, is to say "no" in a roundabout way. For example, instead of saying "No, we are not going to buy that toy today." Say, "that IS a cool toy. Let's go home and see how much money is in your piggy bank." or "Let's put that on your birthday list. What a great idea." Now you're on her side, but still not buying the toy. She doesn't have your resistance to fight against.

One last thought, when your daughter has unacceptable behavior -- teach her acceptable behavior. Don't stop at saying her behavior is wrong, give her the tools to have right behavior. After she's calmed down, give her love and also give her words to communicate her needs acceptably. It doesn't mean that you agree, or that it will happen, it is giving her a way to voice her emotions and needs with words instead of screams. Being able to communicate reduces frustration in itself. This is a skill that is very important to teach.

so instead of thinking of how to get your kid quiet, think of how to equip your kid with skills to calmly and successfully deal with a situation.

L.

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This is my original reply:

I have an intelligent, strong willed and insightful boy who was very similar at 3yrs. The book (also available on audio) "Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka is great!!! (she lives in Eagan MN, btw) the book helps understand temperament traits as well as provide you with emotional support and positive discipline strategies. (You can look on Amazon for more info & reviews too. ) Intensity, or passion, can be a GREAT character trait in adulthood.

Another favorite book of mine is "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen. You still set your limits and are still teaching them what to do and what not to do, but you are doing it with FUN instead of threats. Being able to frame things in a playful light makes kids WANT to do what you want them to do. There's no struggle then, and it's very worth taking the time to learn.

I highly recommend both. Why fight when you don't need to?

Here is a podcast from each of the authors if you want to find out what their style is like: Kurcinka - tinyurl.com/nllvoe & Cohen - tinyurl.com/by7s63

Hi A.,

My son was exactly the same way and boy it sure is frustrating, isn't it!
Well, here's my advice to you. You already picked up on the fact that part of it has to do with attention. Here's what you do: nothing. I know it is embarrasing and frustrating when she is screaming her head off or writhing on the floor in public, but the best thing you can do is state your point clearly "No, we are not going to buy that toy today," remain extremely calm and look the other direction. Psychologists call it "extiguishing" the behavior.
Sometimes I would gently reflect my son's feelings by saying, "I can see you are angry about ____________" and then drop it. He couldn't hear me anyway, he was screaming too loudly! There's no use in talking to that!! If you think about it 45 minutes of your daughter screaming is not a long time compared to the lifetime of peace you will achieve by not acknowledging this behavior. And, you know the times when you just know she is going to have a fit? You can say, "Are you going to throw a fit now?" and when she does, you can say, "Oh, okay. Let me know when you are done." As the weeks went on, my son eventually could tell me "I'm going to have a fit about that" and I would respond, "Ya, I can see why you'd be frustrated." But then it would just fizzle out.
At first, when my son would hit me because I was not paying attention to his fit (not giving him the attention he was trying to get), I would put him in his room and yes, I needed to hold the door shut (that was actually the advice given to me by my pediatrician. I asked him, "Geeze, how long do I need to stand there and hold the door??? I mean he can go on and on and on!!" The peditrician told me, "Until your son feels like there is no hope of him opening it. You MUST win this one.") So I did, and it helped alot.
Your daughter is showing very healthy signs of developing her own identity by creating boundries for herself. I know it seems horrible (I've lived it!!) but it is actually a sign that you are doing a great job as a mom and she feels very secure with you.
Also, I want to add one last very important thing. When your daughter stops screaming, etc., do open her door right away and reward her by giving her lots of love and attention. She will know you are not shutting her out to abandon her but that her behavior is just unacceptable. I remember saying things like, "Are you feeling better now?" or "Hi there, are you ready to come on out and be calm now? I'm so glad. Let's go play a game."
Well, I hope this helps. Either way, please know you are not alone in this. And, you can do it!

:) V.C.