3 Year Old Daughter Has Potty Accidents on Purpose So She Can Change Her Outfit.

My daughter regressed, too. She would do fine while out and about or at preschool, but at home, she would have accident after accident.

I got tired of cleaning clothes, she always had to rinse them out after peeing in her clothes, but the piles of clothing got tiring.

I decided to put her back in pull ups at home. She didn't really like this, but didn't complain much either. As soon as she came home, she was changed into pull ups. It didn't take very long before she decided she would rather be in panties all of the time. The accidents stopped.

She is much more capable than you let her be. My daughter has dressed her self since she was 2 and potty trained. She loves the power she has over hew own body. After all its a safe way to give them control, may not be pretty but its safe!

Good luck,
H

I agree with Marda on this. I understand all behavior as a strategy to get some need met. Of course with an inexperienced and powerless child, those strategies can be pretty ineffective and hard for adults to comprehend. It sounds rather like you've got a daughter who is begging for more control in her life, and she's doing what she thinks should work (especially based on getting to change clothes a few times), but now they are not only not working, they're earning her additional layers of punishment and restriction. If I were her, I'd be terribly confused at this point, and probably frustrated and angry.

I'd be tempted to buy four to six nice tee shirts, cute but all identical, and four to six identical pants. She starts the day in this outfit. When she has an accident, she gets the same outfit. But, when she uses the potty, she gets to choose an outfit of her own. So she gets what she wants for staying clean and dry. Everybody wins! If she has another accident, she goes back to the basic outfit again. You probably won't even need to make a chart, because the reward is instantaneous, and if your theory about the "accidents" is correct, she will probably get the point in a few days or less.

Since changing clothes is such a treat for her, how about getting together a box of dress-up clothes, hats, shoes, jewelry… ? Have dress-up parties on some day of the week when you have time to participate and admire her costumes. This might be held as an ultimate reward for getting the potty routine under control again.

I'd also be very consistent in noticing other things that you like and appreciate. Let her know how much you enjoy her "pleases" and "thank yous," notice when she does something you ask without having to repeat, or even more so when she voluntarily cleans her room or carries dishes to the sink, or whatever little tasks she tries to help with. Kids thrive on recognition and appreciation.

There's a marvelous book that describes exactly how to be compassionate and respectful of the child while being clear about your own expectations and need for cooperation and respect. It gives examples for just about any parenting situation you'll find yourself facing. Parenting experts Faber and Mazlish will show you How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, in a clear, easy-to-read cartoon format. You'll be glad you tried this approach! My Grandboy 4.5 responds to this approach, and comes up with charming and creative solutions for his own problems.

This story made me feel SO sad for you and for your daughter. You are both feeling frustrated and struggling over something that has escalated into a battle about independence, growing up, looks, pride, punishment, shame, control...all sorts of BIG issues that do get messy when they are mixed together. I've read through the answers and the ones that suggest more punishment just sound wrong to me...the answers that suggest giving her as much freedom as possible while clarifying the potty issues and keeping the "retraining" as simple (and positive) as possible sound best. Maybe start by telling her that she can change her outfits as often as she wants if she doesn't wet herself...unlock the dresser...why not let her play "dress up" with her own clothes? All those cute outfits that you spent money on will be too small soon enough! Going back to a plain outfit or just t-shirt and underwear (without any other criticism) if she does have an accident also makes sense and isn't too shaming. My daughter will be 3 next week and she LOVES to help with laundry and it was the only way that I could get my little diva to understand why she couldn't wear her favorite dress every single day! They all have their own ways of expressing their power of choice and their personality and despite the bumps in the road, we need to support them in that as much as we can.

Sounds to me like you have stirred this into a full blown war when all it needed to be was a little bit of a skirmish!!! You have gotten some GREAT advice here already, I can't really add much to it. The idea of the matching plain little outfits for after she has an accident (make the change of clothes without any comment or preaching on your part....the more you react to this the bigger the problem is going to become!!) is genious!!! Also the idea of getting together a dress up kit for her....go to the Salvation Army and find an old suitcase ( my girls had one that we spray painted gold...they LOVED it!!) and fill it with old clothes, gloves, shoes, hats,scarves, and an unbreakable mirror for her to admire her final results in!! I would make this dress up adventure an award for going all day long without an accident...or if that is too long...make it an award for going potty in the potty chair. Don't make the requirements for being able to play dress up so stringent that she doesn't ever get to play with the clothes...that takes all the motivation out of it then!!
Most of all...stay calm and stay positive...as one of the other Moms said...spend lots of time rewarding other behaviors that are positive...children thrive on positive reinforcement!!!

If you're at home, and she does this again, make her go without clothes. She won't die from running around in her panties at home. And kudos on the chart. Reward good behavior, punish bad. And it sounds like being naked is punishment enough for your little stubborn princess. ;)
Good luck!

My daughter went through this at about the same age, only she would put on a fancy dress and sit in the mud or climb in trees and then insist on changing her close. It was a phase and it did pass. I went crazy for a while and thank goodness for permapress fabrics that you don't have to iron. And the dresses she chose always had so much lace and frills on them!

But it was a phase and it will pass. I think you are handling it just fine with a united front. Try a glass of good wine at night after she is in bed. That will help some.

My daughter did the same thing. We thought she was just changing, but I would find the dirty clothes hidden in her room (just followed the smell!!) I tried all the things you did and then I started making her do her own laundry. It wasn't as much fun after that.

B., your daughter is 3 1/2 and is making this action-consequence decision. Kids this age are definitely able to understand action-punishment also! Why are parents so afraid to discipline their kids? It's not mean, it's the effect that comes after a cause, and it's a great lesson.

Begin with the positive reinforcement, rewards, whatever, because as your mother you want her to succeed. But when she is naughty and pees in her clothes, which she knows is not okay, then she is punished (with time-out, taking a toy away, spanking - whatever your punishment techniques are in your home). This is how they learn how to behave properly, how they learn that you are in charge, and how they learn to feel safe within boundaries.

Blessings on getting over this bump on the road.

Since she loves to buy new clothes, maybe a small "allowance" for any day she makes it through without doing this? At the end of the week, you could take her, with her earned money, and let her pick out clothes at Goodwill--aren't they usually like a dollar or two for kids clothes? She could choose whatever she wants!

maybe next time she has an "accident" let her stay in the wet clothes awhile. Tell her that she is a big girl who knows how to go potty, and peeing in her clothes just to change is not going to be accepted. It may seem harsh, but sometimes thats the route you need to take. Maybe also tell her that wetting and pooping in her clothes will ruin them, and you will need to start throwing them away. Since she seems to love her pretty clothes, maybe that would help. And I agree with allowing her to change her outfit, within reason, for staying dry.

I am sorry you got some pretty negative feedback. I will say that you did come across very angry in your post, but I dont blame you. A lot of times we write our posts when we are at our wits end. Its not to say that we are cruel and mean to our kids, its just one point in time. You have every reason to be frustrated.
The only suggestion that I would have is maybe throw away her cothes (put them in a bag after you wash them and put them in your closet or somehere out of sight) if she messes them just for the sake of changing her clothes? If she gets the idea then you can gradually work them back into her closet. I had to do that with toys...I made up some excuse how they got out of the garbage, but at the time she thought they were gone for good.
or just give it time, she should get past it. Frustrating as those little phases are, they usually pass through them. Hang in there!

*laugh* My son did something similar when he was being potty trained. He wanted to put on some new underware I had just bought when what he had on was clean and dry. It was nearing bedtime, which then was still with a diaper. I told him that he had done a wonderful job being dry, and he would get to put the new underware on the next day, after I washed it. He got this thoughtful look on his face, his eyes lit up, and he took his underware off, held it up to himself and strained mightally until he managed a few drops of urine (he had just had a successful potty time minutes before) and triumphantly announced that he needed new underware.

While amused and delighted with his creative thought process, I gently told him that peeing on purpose to get changed was not acceptable and I put him in a diaper for that night. I told him accidents happen, but on purpose was not ok. We would try again the next morning.

I think your idea of putting focus on something else is good. I also think that telling her she will have to just ware pajamas the rest of the day or something of the like may work. Another person here mentioned dressup play clothes, and I think that is an excellent idea.

I hessitate to put her back in diapers if she has otherwise been doing so well. That can be very demeaning if it isn't needed...

Best of luck to you both.

If it continues, I would stop letting her change. spending an hour in wet smelly cloths may be just the deterrent she needs.

It's not really clear if you are letting her choose her first outfit in the morning. Potty accidents are sometimes a control issue, so maybe if you aren't, let her choose her outfit when she gets up but then make it clear that you or her father will be choosing the next one if she has an accident. Giving her a choice first, though, might make a difference, but it might take a few days for her to understand that she only gets one choice and can't change her mind once the clothes are on her....

if she's staying at home, and not going anywhere, I'd just make her stay in underwear only if she has an accident.

I am sorry but your daughter sounds like so much fun! This had me laughing so hard. Talk about one smart 3 year old. I can just see the next designer in the making!

Is there and outfit that she totally hates? I would make that the outfit that gets put on when she wets her clothes. If you don't, go find some ugly thing at Good Will. I would also suggest making sure that the next five things she asks for would get a big fat "NO" because she wet her pants. If she asks for milk tell her, you are very sorry but she is going to get water because she wet her pants. If she wants to color tell her no because she wet her pants.

Have fun!