2Nd Baby Shower - Cherryville,MO

A shower should be given by someone who wants to. It's a gift, not a right whether it's her 1st or 10th.

I agree with the others about it being ok to have multiple showers.Especially if they are different genders.
You don't have to throw it. Let the new family throw it. I also don't get why showers have to be expensive. They are friends and can talk, maybe a cheap game (I personally hate shower games).

My whole issue with this is the "she thinks" part. It would be different if someone else took notice that this is a different dad (I'm assuming it's HIS first baby!) and offered to have a baby shower for her, but the fact that SHE brought it up and thinks she deserves another shower is a little rude--it would be rude even if it was her first baby and she was asking when someone was going to have a shower for her! Those are things people OFFER to do for you, not that you expect or ask for. Good luck!

I am currently pregnant with my 3rd child (4 months along) and my friends are already planning my shower. My first 2 children were both boys and only 11 months apart and I had showers for both of them. In my group of family/friends, babies are considered special, not just the first one, and the shower is always a great reason to throw a fun party celebrating the life that is about to join us, whether they are the 1st or 3rd. Each shower is just as big as the one before. It's never about how expenseive it is or the gifts; just a group of people who care about each other sharing the mother's joy of her new arrival. If I had 10 children, I would hope to have a shower for each of them so they can see in their scrapbook how their family/friends were excited about their arrival! This is such a special time in a woman's life and should be treated the same for each baby - a celebration!

I want to add that I have been to baby showers where the invitation reads "No gifts". Not all baby showers need to be elaborate or expensive. A simple party in a backyard with cupcakes and ice tea can still be a way to celebrate a new life!

The part I agree with is that every child is special so I think a baby shower for each child is fine. Of course if I had everything from the first pregnancy I would not register for much if anything. Did she keep everything from the first, that was four years ago so if she was not planning on another (like myself) she may not have kept everything. Of course in that case I would be asking my friends or relatives who do have young kids if they are done with something would it be ok to use/borrow it.

Maybe suggest that you could help her with a meet and greet shower after the baby comes. That way people can bring a gift if they want but it is more about the baby instead of the mom. A very low key event, during lunch/afternoon so nothing specail, maybe sandwiches & punch or whatever.

If you do not want to throw a shower that is fine, no one can force you to do that and others will have to respect your decision. If she or someone else throws a baby shower for her baby I would go to show your friendship and support for the new baby. Just bring that cute little outfit and/or a pack of diapers.

I had a baby shower for both of my kids. I think its okay to have a shower for each kid, but it should be more low key than the first. Just keep in mind that you DON'T have to host the shower or volunteer to help. Just show up, take a pack of diapers or a cute outfit. It doesn't have to be a major purchase, and as I always have to remind myself, you don't have to be the one to provide EVERYTHING for eveyone's baby.

M.

It is rude for someone to ask you for a shower be it their first or second or 10th child. A shower is given by people who decide together that they want to give it. No one should expect one.

I also think there should not be a shower for a second baby unless maybe there is a huge age gap. I personally don't think that having a different gender baby is a reason for a shower - if you decide to find out what your baby is before it is born other people shouldn't have to pay for that decision. Normally when a baby is born people buy outfits/onesies in the appropriate color anyway.

I would let her know that you enjoyed giving her a shower the first time but this time you aren't able to do so but you can't wait to meet the baby and buy it a great toy/outfit or whatever.

I agree with linda p and cortney r. How my family used to do it (per my mom) they would only throw the one shower for the first baby and absolutely nothing for the 2nd, 3rd, etc. My mom kind of got screwed with this though. She was in the hospital for her original shower, and they recorded it for her! Ridiculous. Then when she got prego with me, my grandma yelled at her for wanting another one, but she never got to have the experience. Now my family is very different and EVERY new baby gets a shower, however if the baby is the 2nd or 3rd we make sure to follow the registrations, because then we know what she doesnt have from the 1st. I don't think that a baby shower is all about the gifts and money. It's about the support and love from your friends and family getting together to celebrate the new addition. If you don't want to do a shower, then don't. See if anyone else wants to throw it for her, and like you said buy her a gift. I wouldnt expect a 2nd shower, i would set up a small get together with my closest friends and family and have a dinner or something to celebrate my second child. Really though, like others are saying there is also a chnce that the baby products from the 1st are not reusable, or well worn especially after 4 yrs. And of course she isn't going to need the major things like crib, high chair, and etc. unless she got rid of them. I think maybe you are upset because she REQUESTED a shower?? Just tell her that you don't have the money. Don't however tell her you think she is greedy, the way you talk about this friend makes it sound like you aren't exactly fond of her, or maybe that she is a bit "shady." Just be nice about it all, she is more than likely in an emotional state. good luck!

As you can see from the responses, people are acculturated with differing mind-sets about this topic. In our family culture a shower was given only for first marriage and first baby. It would have been considered extravagant to do more. But, I know people who received a shower for each child, and it had nothing to do with their ability to afford buying everything they needed for the new baby. They did it completely out of love and joy. Would that we could learn to live our lives out of love and joy rather than by expectation.

So, I don't really feel it matters what any of us think about this issue. It matters what your circumstances and feelings are. I would feel completely humiliated if any of my friends even had to ask others if they 'should' feel obligated to throw me a shower, even if they thought I expected it. I would suggest that, if throwing a shower would feel extravagant or burdensome for you rather than a joy, what you really need to think about is how to communicate this to your friend kindly and respectfully. If this were a person I considered a friend, I would certainly not assume the motive was greed. I would simply assume there was a difference of family culture and expectation.

You might want to bring up the topic and discuss it in a loving and gentle way, so as to clear the air and not allow for suspicions and hurt feelings to fester between you. If it were me, I might want to tell my friend that my family culture taught me to feel too uncomfortable with the idea of a second baby shower, unless there were extraordinary situations (single parent, expecting triplets, etc.). But, I would add that, since this may be the first baby for the father's side of the family, I would certainly want to attend a shower if they planned one. I would want to assure my friend that I do not want her to feel unsupported by our friendship because of what may be a difference in our family cultures and expectations.

There are many situations in life where there is no 'right' or 'wrong' answer. But, that is no excuse for being less than kind, respectful, and unifying in the way we talk to or talk about our friends.

I do not know if she is greedy, maybe this shower should be given by the members of the new Daddies family? They will want to show their excitement..

Just tell her you cannot afford it, but if someone gives her one you will be happy to attend.

I agree that it is tacky for a 2nd baby shower and/or bridal shower. People are too quick to jump into babies and marriages these days. I feel that people take every opportunity to have yet another shower as well. Since there is a new daddy in the picture then let her just have a family gathering with his family. I would think that she is hopefully more secure in this relationship than the first, but I don't know. I would suggest an outfit or two just as a nice gesture, but not another shower esp. if she already had one for the first child.

Here is my opinion. When I have my second (no plans yet, still have to find mister right) i would love to have another shower, now that does not mean go all out and do ballons and games and cake and invite everyone you know. But i would like to have a get together of my family and closest friends because i feel it is a wonderful thing to have another child, and it should be celebrated. I would include on the invite that i am not registering but diapers are welcome if you feel the need. I would just tell her that you can not afford to throw her a shower and if she would like one, then she can throw it together. or if she wants to do a little get together after the baby is born that is always nice too! those are just my opinions. hope ya work it out.
K.

Its been my experience that the first baby for any couple gets a classic shower complete with cake and punch and all of that - new baby clothes, maybe even a big item or two since the couple has nothing for a baby yet. All the babies to that couple after that are given a "Diapers & Wipes" shower, where people can come and bring diapers, baby wipes, hand-me-downs, or baby toiletries like Desitin or Johnson's Wash.

I do think though, that the classy thing to do would be to organize a small shower for her. Especially since her first 'baby' is 4 and she probably doesn't have a lot of infant-oriented stuff lying around. But thats just me.

Hm, I personally think that one is enough unless there is another family welcoming this baby. You have to remember that the shower isn't just for moms to be but for aunts, grandmas, etc.

That being said, if there really aren't any "traditional" family members out there welcoming this baby, I don't know that she needs another shower.

Maybe a girl's luncheon or night out?

I always thought it went against etiquette to have more than one shower, but I've been invited to lots of #2 showers, and even #3 showers lately, so I guess it isn't anymore.

My mom threw me a shower for my first child, a boy, and a 'sprinkle' or my second, a girl. I was asked by friends and family to do a registry so they would know what we needed and didn't have from our first. Because it was a second child it was mostly clothes, diapers wipes, burp rags, blankets...some of things that might have needed replaced from wear and tear and also people were eager to buy all the cute girl clothes. Nobody thought it was wierd or was offended and if they did they didn't come. We worried that it would seem greedy but we mostly wanted a celebration for this new part of our family, I didn't care about getting gifts and I certainly never said I HAD TO HAVE a shower. If she's demanding one that is one thing but if someone offers then she has every right to accept without being considered greedy. Let's face it too, a lot of products don't hold up as long as they should and sometimes you need a few new things for future babies.

I am in agreement with you. In this situation another shower seems unnecessary. I had a family memeber that had a second child and although the second one was the opposite sex and more than four years apart, she did still have all the "big stuff" saved- but she wanted new stuff and thought that people should get it for her! She even dropped hints to me about what she wanted me to buy! I bought something small and she returned it!!!

I had a second shower, but my first set of twins was 7 years older than my second set of twins. I had NOTHING left over. I have several friends who have more than one shower.

In fact I went to a shower last month for a girl who had a baby 18 months before and had a shower for that kid. It did kind of irritate me.

It seems to be the norm now a days. If it's been more than 5 years, I could understand I guess.

I always thought it was for your first and also if there was a 5 year or more gap. This is how i was taught anyway...

I am preg with our 3rd and 2 friends offered to have a shower(or I guess it would be sprinkle since only 1 st one is called shower) for me . I had one with our first. It's very nice for people to offer, but I would never ask......

I know you have a lot of responses to this, but this is my feelings about it...A baby is a blessing and something to celebrate, so if you feel inclined to have a baby shower do so, if not don't do it, let someone who wants to do the shower do it! I am a mom of 5 children, all grown now and some have children of their own, but when I had them there was a baby shower for each baby, it was our family and friends way of celebrating a new member to the family! I never consider it "used" when you have a shower for someone, but if you don't feel like you want to do it then don't!

My daughters friends had showers for each of her kids, she has 4 and my sons kids were no different, they each have 2 kids! It's all a matter of how you want to do things...make it a time to enjoy, you never know what the future brings!

The child's father has nothing to do with it. I've gone to 2nd showers, but only if baby #2 is a different gender than baby #1. Just don't offer to throw her a shower...if someone else does, then you can choose to go.

Hi.........I have always seen that a second shower is appropriate or good to do if one of the following occurs:

1. Baby number 2 is coming much later than baby number one (a surprise or such), and all of the baby stuff has been sold, given away, etc and the new mother is starting over and needs all the "stuff" that comes along with a new baby.

OR

2. If the baby is of a different gender than other children in the family........when clothes and such might be needed, etc.

I think she is being very selfish and greedy to think that she needs a second shower for a child that has a different father. I don't think it would be inappropriate at all for you to politely tell her that you are not able or willing to do it. If people want to give her gifts that is great, but another shower isn't necessary I don't think unless she is really in such distress financially and doesn't have the essentials.

Hopefully she will understand. It is easy for me to write my opinion, but with all that said I do not know the whole situation. Go with your heart, and just do what you can!! Good luck!!

I don't think it's "greedy" to have a shower for your 2nd baby. I am pregnant with baby number two who is a boy and since baby number one was a girl I have NOTHING for him other than a swing which we bought gender neutral. I was pleasantly surprised when 2 of my girlfriends wanted to do a shower for me since I wasn't expecting anything. I think it is wrong for any pregnant woman to assume that someone should throw her a shower, but I see nothing wrong with a 2nd shower for a baby that is a different gender. I know how you feel though, my sister-in-law was pregnant with baby #3 last year, her 3rd boy, and she felt that she was entitled to a shower. Her attitude irritated me because she already had EVERYTHING for the new baby but she wanted gift cards specifically to Old Navy and Babies R Us. Since none of her friends wanted to throw her a shower I ended up throwing it and it was a disaster because she literally wanted me to write on the invitations "gift cards or cash only". I think some women just literally see a pregnancy as a way to cash in on things, which is what my sister-in-law was doing. I on the other hand would not have been disappointed if I wasn't thrown a shower, it's never something someone should feel forced into doing.

Hope this helps!!!

I had 2 girls 15 months apart... I had a shower for my first and not my second. I kinda would have liked one, but didn't ask because I know most people felt like I have everything already, so what would be the point.
However what people don't think about is things get worn out. Not the big things of course, but all the little silly stuff. Plus my girls were born in different seasons and in snow country that makes a difference. All the cute summer dresses didn't work in the winter for my newborn, so I had to get lots of stuff.
Why not have a "sprinkle".... it doesn't have to be a big deal with games ect, but it can just be a fun get together. That way she gets her party and a few small things. But that doesn't mean you have to throw it!!! She can set up a sprinkle for herself.... or even a "sip and see" after the baby is born.

Yes, mixed feelings about that. She is ASKING you to give her a shower? I have yet to ask anyone to spend that kind of money on me, unless I am married to him. I can however see that she probably wants to start over and experience everything with the second child.

It is rude to ask someone to give you a shower. If you don't want to do it then don't but I think the idea of not giving someone a baby shower just because it is there second child is stupid. I have three boys 5 years apart and I was given a shower for each of them. I however would never have the gall to expect or demand one. I guess I was just loved enough by my friends and family that they wanted to do it for me.

there are already 23 response, so I didn't read them! If she wants a shower, then let her! BUT that doesn't mean you have to give it.....

Let someone else have the honor. & yes, in today's throwaway world, most moms do not save their equipment or clothing. It's a shame...but then I am a packrat so my mindframe is different!

I had two showers...I don't see the big deal . I had one boy and one girl

A shower, wedding or baby, should never be expected or asked for. It is something a person should OFFER to do. If you don't feel appropriate doing a shower for her, you shouldn't be expected to, nor should she ask you to do a shower. Personally, I don't think a shower is appropriate for a second (and subsequent) baby. My first & second were opposite gender and 4 years apart and I did not have a shower for the second. We just had our third (5 years later) and did not have a shower, either. We do understand that people want to celebrate the new baby, so we have a reception AFTER the baby is born that we host ourselves so that people can meet the new baby. For us, the reception coincides with the baby's baptism, but for those that do not baptize infants, it could just be an open house for people to meet the baby. Gifts are not asked for or expected, although most people bring them anyway. We actually asked people NOT to bring gifts for our third as we had everything we needed (and then some) but most everyone brought a little something, an outfit, story book, or some diapers and wipes. Our friends and family enjoy this opportunity to meet the new little one. I know others have said that a shower for a second baby is OK, but many people still feel that it is not. I'm one of those who, like you, thinks a second shower is inappropriate. (Of course there are exceptions - the 'surprise' baby when your kids are in middle school and you thought you were finished.) I have never been offended or thought they were greedy when I was invited to the baby meet & greet after the birth. This might be the way the new mother should go to avoid the possibility of coming off as 'greedy'. I also agree with some of the other posters that if she wants a second shower with the new baby's daddy, it should be given by his family. Either way, you should not feel obligated to give her a shower. You could suggest the post baby event and offer to make a salad or something for it. Our family members usually offer to make something for the event. Good luck! I hope you find some advice here that helps!

What on earth does having a different father for the 2nd baby have to do with this? A baby shower is to help a first-time mom get all the things she needs for taking care of her baby. Presumably, many of those items can be used for the 2nd baby, too, so there should be no need for a 2nd shower. The only exception I've seen is for a mom who has a large gap between babies (7-10 years, maybe), and who no longer has baby care items in the house. Other acceptable exceptions might be for multiple births (twins, triplets, etc.), or for a mom whose husband is overseas in the military. I.e., it would take an exceptional need for someone to have a 2nd baby shower.

Wow. I don't know how greedy it is to have a second shower, but in a case like mine, nobody thought it was weird.
My kids are 10 years apart, one a girl and the other a boy.
I didn't "register" for gifts for either one of my children. We had a beautiful cake, drinks, some games. It wasn't really about gifts although I did get some really cute outfits and nice blankets. I made a point of letting everyone see the babies in the outfits they bought once they were born, they really enjoyed that.
I don't know....I think in some circumstances a second shower is not all that tacky and a get together to celebrate each new baby is always fun.
My cousin's first baby died. It was so sad. It just seems like it would have been a cruel thing to think, "Sorry...you "used up" your baby shower privileges on your first baby."
Every situation is different.

If you don't want to attend a second shower, then don't.
You can always give a gift, if you feel like you want to do so, when the baby arrives.

I think that the issue is not so much of a second shower, but the fact that you don't want to be the one to host it. Second showers are somewhat "common" now a days, but really only when people vounteer to do it, not when it's more of a "standard" like with a first child. So, I would just tell her that you really can't swing another shower right now due to finances or time or space or whatever, and you'd be happy to attend one if someone else decided to throw one. I agree that she sounds a little selfish and that you should not feel bad that you don't want to do this for her.

Technically you only get a shower for your first child no matter who the father is for any subsequent children! Depending on your friends, if someone WANTS to throw you a shower, and it's been a long time between kids or you're having a different gender or twins or something -that should be o.k. I cannot BELIEVE people actually ASK others to throw them parties and showers! Some people have no class and no tact!

My friends threw me a very intimate baby brunch with only our closest friends for my second. I told them I did NOT want an actual shower because I was having another boy 2 years after my first, and I KNOW it's really rude! It was a very nice gesture of my closest friends, and we're doing the same for another close friend soon -plus she's having a different gender. However, the regular crowd you would ask is not being asked to go out and buy gifts! It's a brunch gathering of her very closest friends WHO OFFERED AND WANTED TO DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

You are COMPLETELY right about this. She shouldn't have any expectations, but understand that those close to her will inevitably bring outfits, toys, etc. when she gives birth.

If the impetus for a second shower is this baby having a different daddy, than the responsibility for the baby shower should fall to the family of the new daddy.

Plus, I guess i don't understand why someone would need all new stuff with their kids just being 4 years apart. It's not like they're 14 years apart and the mom got rid of everything. Did she not save/store the crib, clothing, toys, etc? I also understand that each child is special and deserves to be celebrated, but each child doesn't need all new stuff. The baby is not going to know the difference, it's really for the parent. And even with a different gender 2nd child, I still don't think you need to have a shower. Most close friends will probably buy a small gender specific gift. Beyond that, it's up to the parents to provide what their child needs.

I know families that have showers for all their children and don't have a problem with it, however I quit hosting showers because they are expensive and would rather take the money I spent on the cake, decorations, and shower stuff and get a baby basket full of things they will use. Maybe her mom or another friend will host it this time.

I don't think she should EXPECT a shower, and is she expecting you to give her one? where are her parents?

In my family, we didn't have showers for a second child, even when my sister had her daughters 4 years apart.

I know some people feel that every baby needs to be celebrated though. One girl I know had "sprinkles" for her 2nd and 3rd children, rather than a full blown shower... her best friends got together and gave her some new clothes and diapers, but not big baby gear, and it wasn't everyone and their mother invited.

If the shower is given by the new dad's family, that would be kind of understandable... especially if it's his first kid.

If I were you, i would spend what you think is a reasonable amount. I never spend a ton on a shower, no matter whose it is. i can't afford it! My limit is $30.

My opinion on this the shower is for the baby not the mother isn't this baby just as special as the first one and since it's been four years she probably needs everything for this one to if your the one to through the shower let mom be involved to help with some of the cost.

I agree with most. A second shower is redundant. I am a single mom struggling financially, and I wouldn't EXPECT one if I got pregnant again. I may even turn one down because I would feel like I would be taking advantage of people's generosity. I do like the idea of a "Meet the New Baby" or "Homecoming" type party after baby (and M.) settles in back at home.

I think it's rude to demand a shower at any time. I have a friend who threw one for herself because nobody else offered.....I didn't know her at the time. I think any time you tell people you HAVE to buy things for me, your a little off base.

in my opinion if it is a different sex then yes she should have one but if it is the same sex as the first child she doesnt need one. if you dont want to throw her a shower tell her or ask her if she can find someone else to throw her one. hope this helps, R. pardee

That is really rude for her to expect you to give her another shower!! I did have a second shower only because it was a girl. You could just do a diaper/wipes shower or a gift card shower if you wanted to do something for her.

I believe it is rude to ask for another one, but not rude to have another one.
I gave birth to 2 children. First was my precious daughter with my ex husband. The second was with my wonderful son with my current husband.
The kids are 5 years apart.
I had NOTHING for the boy. My first marriage was so terrible that I refused to have anymore children. I would have gotten my tubes tied if they would have let me. So I sold all of my daughters stuff...high chair, crib, car seats, clothes, everything.
But then I married my husband now, and realized that it wasn't I didn't want another baby, I just didn't want another one from my ex! So along came the boy.
Now all babies are special, but the boy was, well, the FIRST boy on my side of the family. My parents had 5 girls, and the first 4 grandchildren were girls. So when I found out we were having a boy...well, my family went NUTS!
I live in a different state than my family. Their baby shower for me was down there. But my husbands family wanted to do something special too, so they threw me one up here.
So does that make me a rude person? I had a total of 3 showers for 2 children.
I didn't mean that as a smart aleck remark, I just wanted to prove my point. Every story is different. Sometimes it is fine. Other times it may be rude or annoying, but it is still a celebration of a new little life.
If you don't want to throw it for her, then tell her. But don't think she is a bad person for having another one.

I'm all for a second shower. Especially if it is a different gender and/or years apart.
I don't understand why people think a baby shower is SO expensive! I hosted one recently, and I baked cookies, made punch, hung streamers, and printed games from the internet. I spent about $25 on diapers and little baby items for 2 games, and gave those items as my gift to her. I bought 4 nice jar candles, $6 each. Overall, I spent about $60, and that was divided by 2 of us, and included my baby gift!

I don't see anything wrong with having a 2nd shower. Times have changed. A 2nd shower is no longer taboo. The shower is for her BABY after all, not her. She may already have some baby gear, but you can never have enough diapers and wipes.

Everyone has their own opinion as to whether a 2nd shower for a 2nd baby should take place etiquette-wise. In my opinion, just because it's a different daddy, that doesn't mean she has to have a shower (unless he wants to be part of it? Then I'd understand). That being said, I had a Diaper Party for my 2nd - I asked each family to bring 1 package of diapers and we provided beer, soda, and food for everyone. It was more of a 'celebration that the baby will be here soon' than a party with stuff for the baby (even though we got tons of diapers!). That is one idea.

A second idea is to have a party/shower for her AFTER the baby gets here so everyone can 1. See the Baby and 2. Have a party to celebrate him/her 3. Bring presents.

It sounds like she's talking with you because she hopes that you will be the one to throw her the shower. If that is not the case, then ignore her request and you can think she's being greedy if you want to. If she does want you to throw it and you don't want to, I'd think you should suck it up and throw it for her (or offer the suggestions above) if you want to keep your friendship. Four years isn't that long in between but long enough that she may have gotten rid of some of her stuff - plus if this baby is a different sex, she'll need some new things.

Bottom line - does she really NEED another shower? Probably not. But it sounds like she and her man want one - this is their first baby together, so it's understandable.

Oh and there is no way to tell her nicely how much you spent on her first. If you don't have the money (or better yet don't want to front it this time around), enlist her mother, his mother, friends, etc and have them all pay equal amounts. Or do a potluck. Or lunch somewhere where everyone pays for themselves. You don't have to spend a ton of money to have a nice shower.

I agree that another shower is too much but if this is a close friend that you don't want to upset, I would host a diaper dinner. Basically, have some of her friends over for a dinner (doesn't have to be anything fancy) and everyone brings either a package of diapers or wipes.

I only got one shower. I did kind of want a second shower and (or even a third since my last was a girl) but I NEVER said anything to anyone about it.

I also felt a little shorted on the whole baby shower thing since my husbands aunt wanted to throw it for me, and I didn't get to invite all my girl friends.

Again, I never asked for another, and didn't expect it, but I admit it would have been nice. Every baby does deserve to be celebrated.

Also, I do have single friends who feel like they get the short end of the stick since they are constantly going to weddings, throwing showers, etc. and we never do anything for them since they are not married or having kids.

I think we should all be happy with what we receive, and leave it at that.