23 Month Old Doesn't Walk - Husband Is Reluctant to Have a 2Nd Baby

It sounds like a lot for you guys to think about and talk over! I think it's good for you both to consider one another's feelings an desires and then in the end hopefully come to an agreement. I did want to share with you some of what we've been through since it sounds pretty similar.

Our first daughter was unknowingly born with a very rare fatal disease that causes aplastic anemia (bone marrow failure) and many different types of cancers, including leukemia. It's called Fanconi anemia (FA). It is a genetic disease and both my husband and I are carriers and both passed a FA gene on to her, which is the only way a child would be born with it (both of us have to pass it on). We have a one in four chance of having another one with FA.

Not only does she have FA, but she also has some physical abnormalities that are caused from FA (though not all children with FA have these). She needed open-heart surgery when she was born. She is hearing impaired, though can hear with hearing aids. She also had a cleft on her soft palate that was repaired (so only in her mouth). Plus some other physical issues. Her hearing/cleft issues have left her with communication problems. She is very intelligent and at normal levels for her age, but communication is quite a challenge. She has difficulty speaking clearly for others to understand, though she is making great progress. It has definitely been a challenge for her and has taken longer than usual for a child her age.

My point in sharing all of this with you is to also share that despite all of this, we felt very strongly that we should have another baby. My husband was more like your husband and was reluctant at first. I definitely didn't want to bully or force him into something like this because it needed to be a choice that he made and fully agreed with, especially if a second child ended up with FA. I didn't want him to blame me. But he ended up feeling very strongly that it was the right thing to do.

So when our daughter was four years old, baby number two was born. He does not have FA. We are SO thankful that we had our son. Both of our children bring us such joy and happiness and we couldn't imagine life without them. Sure FA is no fun, but we find more joy in our children than sadness in FA.

I am now pregnant with baby #3. It was a similar process. It always seems to start with me feeling like we should have another baby, telling my husband, then he thinks about it and tells me how he feels. With baby #2 it took a while for him to make a decision. With baby #3 it only took him a few days. I know some people think it's crazy to risk it, but all I can say is we know we are doing the right thing for us. (Plus, we are motivated by wanting a sibling-donor for a bone marrow transplant!).

Every family is different and the answer is different for each family. I totally support your desire to have another child and do not in any way think you are thinking of doing something ridiculous. I think your husband has valid concerns, and it sounds like you are considering those and being understanding to him. If you feel strongly that you should have another one, I do think it's important to express that to your husband and continue to talk about it until you come to an agreement/compromise. There is so much joy in seeing two of your own children love each other and have each other to be with. I totally encourage you guys to strongly consider having another one...but only the two of you know that is right for your family. If you believe in God that is a big thing that helped us decide what to do - lots of prayer.

I hope the best for your daughter. My little sister had a similar thing with her ankles, though less severe. She had to wear special little shoes that braced her ankles up. Good luck figuring out what to do!

My son is also 22 months old, and we have been working with ECI for his speech development since he is about 3 months delayed ( due to his prematurity born at 31 weeks). We have been very lucky that his health and development has been above average since coming home from the NICU. I've had the paranoid feelings in the back of my mind that maybe he was autistic and that's why he wasn't saying any words. Even though his behavior is normal - I just felt like all of the news on tv got to my head - but it actually sparked a new fire underneath once I realized how proactive I needed to be. My husband and I finally got onto the same page, and we both buckled down and changed the way we reacted to our son when he wanted anything. The first few days were rough since I stopped doing everything for him automatically and the tantrums flew! But, after a few days, he started to catch on and is responding with many more 'words.' I swear that within a week, he had more than tripled his little words he has, and it keeps getting better every day. We just became really aware of saying short phrases and words while we're doing things - I make up songs about everything - my son really responds to music and the inflections of my voice. He has also always been very receptive to language like your girl, and I think it is just a matter of everyone working together. I read Jenny McCarthy's newest book - Louder Than Words - and her story literally sent me into a mission to work harder at being a mom.

As far as more kids go, I am in the same boat with you - I want more kids, and my husband does too - but we are both scarred from our son's unexpected early delivery - and I can't bear the thought of the possibility of having another child in the NICU. My advice for you is to just focus on the now with your daughter and hold off on any plans to get pregnant until things turn out. And as you know, plans don't always turn out the way you expect anyway! Plus, my mom gave me this advice, and I am the second oldest of 5 - 'just because you have your kids close together in age, doesn't mean they'll grow up to be close together' which is the naked truth.

If you need any more help or have questions, please send me a message. I really feel like I can relate to what you're going through!

I don't really know what to say... but I do know that eventhough children with special needs are a challenge, they are a blessing and that because you have one with special needs doesn't HAVE to mean ALL will.
You could always get genetic counseling if it would make ya'll feel better. Genetic counseling would help ya'll determine the chance of it happening again.
Good luck with your decision. It is a hard one.
I pray you make peace with the entire situation.
E.

I have a friend whose little girl has a heart condition and has already had surgery to replace a valve I believe. She will need to have additional surgeries to replace this same valve as she grows. They weighed the options heavily, as you are doing, about having a second child knowing their first had a long road ahead of her. They decided to go ahead and have another child and are extremely blessed to have two healthy girls now. If you both wanted a second child to begin with then why change your mind just because your first has some unique challenges? Put your fears in God's hands and He will bless you abundantly. He makes each of our children exactly as they should be. Why deny your daughter the special bond of a sister or brother?

I work for a family who has a son with special needs and another younger son, who is 2 now, who is completely "normal". I love the fact that they have each other to be around and play with, and later in the future, depend on, regardless of their different capabilities. Every child is different and whether your second child has problems or not, he/she will always have a big sister to look up to, no matter what. Tell your husband to try not to compare the two, especially before the second one is even born(or conceived!) No matter what, they will be different from each other in many ways, but being sibling and apart of what sounds like a wonderful family will always be their common bond.

Hi G.! This is coming from a mom who waited 7 years for baby #2! I would never take back the time I had with my son before I had my 2nd-a daughter. I just feel like I was able to focus on him through his toddler years and just--as you put it--savor the moments. Now--My daughter is 3 and I am 27 weeks pregnant. I have already seen myself telling her---we'll do that later--or no, that is for baby Lily. I am not saying spacing kids out 7 years is right for you, but I can see where your husband is coming from. You have time to decide and the best advise I can give you is pray about it and you'll be led to the right decision. Good Luck!

I am a mother to a 20 month old little girl. She was born with Torticollis (short neck muscle) and she had to go to PT at 2 months and because of the Torticollis her head became flat on one side and started pushing one side of her face forward so she need a DOC band which ran us ($3000) and ins didnt pay. She has a speech delay, sensory issues and physical delays and attends Speech therapy once a week, PT once a week and OT through ECI once a month. She has had surgery to remove a potential canerous birthmark at 16 months old. She has some other issues as well...

While pregnant with her I was extremely sick...morning sickness gone WRONG!!!! I was pretty much in bed or on the sofa all the time and in the hospital a lot just to help me hold some food down. Otherwise I would of lost the baby due to lack of eating.

With all of these problems with me during the pregancy and all the medical issues we have with our daughter my husband doesnt want to have another baby. I refuse to have my tubes tied because I would like to have another child. But I am getting used to the idea of only having the one. At least I know I am able to spoil her and give her best and enjoy her and give her all the attention.

We have talked about adoption but I am still trying to conveince him on it...I would like to adopt a Koren child in a year or two. We will see what happends...

I know it is a hard decision.

Good luck to you.

God will NEVER give you more than you can handle. If you're meant to have the two kids (or more) you will. Leave it in his hands, and let him mold your family.

I'll be thinking of you family in the growth of your child(ren) Special needs are very difficult, and take a special family to work with them.

Only #1 should be a concern. Having more than 1 child is an experience no one can explain till they have their 2nd, 3rd, etc... You'll have the time, those of us with more than one (and me with 3 kids only 1 year apart each), found time.

Ask your doctor about chances of having a 2nd baby with the same issues. The good news is, if you did have a baby with the same issues, you'd already be a pro at handling it!

I'll keep you in prayer.

G.,

I hope your doctors can figure out what is going on with your daughter and wish you guys the best. As for having another child, don't let your daughter's condition dictate you two having another child. People that have healthy kids, like our son, and want a second are still freaked out for similar reasons. What if our second is not like our first? What if they have issues? Most likely, if the docs have ruled out genetic illnesses in your daughter it is likely just a mutation that occured and is not likely to recur. If you want a second, have it. Don't look back 10 years down the road and say "what if" or "I wish". Good luck to you two!

My first son had health issues that required a lot of our time and many ER and Dr. visits. After having the first child, my husband did not want to have any more children. I did. We were unable to get pregnant for a few years and when we did we lost a baby. Finally I got pregnant and had another son. It turned out that he had MORE health problems then the first one. What I am glad about is that we ended up having them further apart then we originally wanted. They are 4 1/2 years apart and this has really helped. I am not sure I could have handled two boys with medical problems very close in age. So I guess what I would say would be to just wait a little longer before you have the second one so you can give the first child all of your attention for now.

We had a foster child that had to wear braces on his legs and then moved up to inserts in his shoes. The braces and inserts worked great and it took about 1 year to get better. Our foster child walked with a gait and was very weak (similiar to Muscular Dystrophy) and had difficulty talking and it was very difficult to understand him. He was in Physical, Speech and Occupational Therapy. We had him for 1 year, he made huge improvements. He made a major turnaround, with consistent therapy and doing the exercises at home. We did all the exercises the therapists told us to do. It was a lot of hard work on our part and our foster child working at it daily practicing the exercises.
As far as having another child, be prepared for therapy to continue for awhile with your first child. There will be lots of therapy, and exercises to do at home. I would definitely wait until your first child gets thru some hurdles with the therapy and you see some major improvements. Maybe later on, you can consider having another child. I would really think hard and pray about it. Yes, it is hard decision, however it needs to be you and your husband's decision. Personally, I think with a special needs child, they need more one-on-one attention. Hope this helps and I've heard Scottish Rite is great! We used the Neurologists at Cook's and they were great too. I'll keep you in my prayers for your child and for her to improve. Good Luck with Scottish Rite, I hope they can help.

I think you need to stop and ask yourself can you handle two. It seems like you will have your hands full taking care of you little girl. If Scottish Rite will be evaluating her you might have lots of doctors appointments. Maybe you should just wait until your daughter is doing better then try.