22 Year Old Step-Daughter, That Moved in with Us over 2 Years Ago???

Put her things out on the front lawn! She can find somewhere else to go or she will agree to some rules.

You got enough good advice on what to do with the living situation. My only advice is what I told my mom when I moved back in at 22. Assume she is not coming home. I told my mom to assume I wasn't coming home unless I told her otherwise. It was a lot less stressful on all of us and no more fighting about it.

The problem isn't the girl, the problem is your husband. He is not listening to you.

What are your options?
1. Move out and tell him you will be staying away until this is resolved.
2. Go to couples counseling and work on the problem in a solution-oriented way. You may discover that he has some misgivings or guilt in his parenting that he's making up for, and the counselor can help you both deal with this in a more healthy way. Or you may discover that he has no plans on moving her out anytime soon, and then at least you know how the land lies.
3. Keep putting up with it.

I know which one I would pick.

I married a man with 2 daughters, and I knew up front that it was a package deal. He also had to learn that I had a role to play in this marriage, and he had to involve me and value my opinions. He had to learn to deal with "daddy guilt" about not seeing his kids as much as he wanted to, about leaving their mother and all that - and they learned to manipulate him based on that guilt.

You and your husband need to develop a way to talk about his daughter in a collaborative way. You can be a positive role model for her, but only if he "endorses" you as a strong and admirable woman. He doesn't have to bad-mouth her mother in this process but he cannot be dismissive of you. Tell him that, if he tosses you aside, he teaches her that women deserve to be dismissed by men (as she will see it as him doing it to her mother and now to you). Then she will associate with loser men and perpetuate the cycle. So if he is trying to show her that he found a "better woman" or "better match", he needs to showcase your qualities.

HE needs to teach her to respect herself by keeping up with her environment - paying rent, feeling good about doing so, doing her own housekeeping, etc. If he teaches her that YOU are her slave (shopping, cooking, doing dishes, etc.), then he disrespects you but also teaches her that women deserve that low level of esteem, which sets up her to be abused by men. She needs to see a real marriage in operation every day, where agreements are reached, perspectives are valued, and conflicts are resolved.

He should not be the favorite daddy who gives her good times, no structure and no responsibility. He needs to teach her the skills she needs to survive: paying rent, paying car insurance and parking, buying groceries, prepping meals and cleaning up, and so on. The less she does, the more she pays - that's life's rule. Approach it less as doing something FOR YOUR and more FOR HER. You'll both get what you want.

Your husband has to be as bothered about this as you are. Otherwise, it's simply you bad-mouthing his daughter. When that happens, he's going to take her side every single time because of their history and his need to protect her from those he feels are attacking her.

It's not really a step-daughter issue that you have here. It's a husband issue. I would suggest figuring out how to calmly talk to him about your concerns, and in a way where you're not criticizing the love of his life (his baby girl). I think you should consider marriage counseling.

I suggest that you read and use non-violent communication. It's a way of thinking and talking that allows both people to get their needs met. Here's one web site that talks about how to do it. http://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Nonviolent-Communication

Here's the actual web site for non-violent communication. http://www.cnvc.org/

I suggest that you and your husband go to counseling. It sounds like your husband has some major issues that are causing him to pamper his daughter and not understand and help you. His relationships are so one sided; in favor of his daughter and negative with you.

Unless you can get your husband's co-operation I doubt that there is anything that you can do except to leave the house. Perhaps if he knew that the situation was this serious for you he'd be more willing to work out a way to get his daughter out of the house.

Of course he's not helping her at all. He is allowing her to violate your boundaries and he has not boundaries at all. This is not healthy for any of you.

If he won't go to counseling with you, you go and learn how to be assertive and get this done.

I think you need to have a sit down with him about it. Try not to be all "SD is horrible!" but "So what is going on here? The agreement was that she would finish school but she hasn't done so. She is working but not contributing to the household. She treats our home like a hotel and her behavior is causing problems in our marriage. Something has to change."

My DH can be all "my bay-be" when I bring up things about the sks. I have told him, no, they are adults. My 23 yr old SS graduated and moved home but the expectation is that he pays rent, does some chores (which I wish DH would follow up on more) and will move out. Stories like yours make me nervous that at the end of the year (by which time he should have a permanent vs contract job) he will not move.

Things that could change include him agreeing to charge her rent, him agreeing to a move date, him cleaning up after her or hiring a service for you so that you don't have to. I would do none of the things that come with being part of a household if she's not going to be a part of it.

Your husband thinks he's helping her. He's not. He's enabling her irresponsibility. This is sad. I doubt it's going to change anytime soon.

I have a 22 yr old stepson who is living on his own, apartment, roommates, college. My husband would never allow what you described in our house. He has better boundaries than I do.

You need to stop complaining to him. He doesn't care.

The only thing that will help IMO is for him to see with his own blind eyes what is going on.

SHE'S A PIG
Do not lift a finger to clean up her messes. If it's a wet towel on the floor that destroys a carpet or wood floor, leave it. When your husband starts seeing damage to the house, he might wake up.

Don't vacuum her room.

Don't clean her dirty dishes.

Don't do her laundry.

You keep your end clean, so it's obvious whatever is messy is because of her.

STOP WORRYING ABOUT HER
You can stop. If he can't, let him own that and see what he is going to do about that.

Let him own this problem.

If this doesn't open his eyes, I might threaten to move out. Let him live with her and see how he likes it.

I would have a serious talk with your husband about setting boundaries and rules with his daughter that must be followed or she will be out. If he is unwilling to work with you on this very reasonable request then I would consider getting a place of my own and telling him that you still love him and want to be with him, but you did not marry him so you could be maid and cook to his unrespectful adult daughter.

When it comes down to it this is not about his love for his daughter, but his blatant lack of respect for you

I liked Marda and Diane B.'s answers - good stuff there.

Bottom line is a 22 year old needs to get on with her own life. It's best for HER if you and your husband set appropriate boundaries.

If that doesn't happen I'd get out where I can set my own boundaries, without a husband.

JMO.

It sounds like you have been against this since the beginning. If I were you, I would have a serious talk with my husband. I think you should just tell him how you feel. It's hard to live with another adult in the house. I lived at home until I was 24 when I bought my own home. I paid rent, helped clean, and told my mom when I would not be home so she didn't worry. She was single and did the same thing with me so I didn't worry either. You are not asking for anything unreasonable. I would get a game plan in place WITH your husband and then HE needs to tell her. Give it a deadline. If she can't follow the new rules, then she needs to move within 30 days. Life is too short to spend a minute of it being unhappy...ESPECIALLY in your own home. Good luck.

My co-worker recently went through something similar, she was so devastated because of the toll it took on her marriage. For her and her husband they had a stand off of who was going to move out, she or her step-son. I think it will come down to how strong your bond with your husband is; your relationship between the two of you is the most important than his relationship between he & his ADULT daughter. I advised her to have a heart to heart conversation with her husband about how difficult it is to show tough love to an adult child. Luckily for her, her husband sided with her and her step-son was given two weeks to move out. Good luck to you.

You set boundaries. Stop coming to dad with meaningless whining. Make a plan. Calmly. Write it out over a couple weeks so you can craft it to encompass everything that needs to change. Then decide what you can compromise on and what you need to make consequences for. Decide what you intend to do if these conditions are not met. Are you ready to make serious choices if they reject your deal? You have been more than patient. But you have not been firm or made believers out of them.

She needs to set a move out date. All those things will be her problem. Or they need to change. If you are paying for anything, it needs to stop.
Tell H, you have no problem giving her gifts but not supporting her everyday choices and not being her maid, butler, bill payer, ...wife, mom.

Your house? Your rules.
Problem is her father needs to be behind the rules.
Clearly, he's not.
Can you speak to him about it?
Otherwise, this isn't going to change...sorry.

I have to say that I would not be married to a man who allowed this. If your husband would put his grown daughter above you like this, he doesn't really love you, in my opinion. I'd be visiting a lawyer and getting prepared to leave, have all your financial ducks in a row, including opening a single bank account and moving money into it. After you do this and he sees the bank balances drop, he will ask where the money went. Tell him that either you are leaving or you two are going to marriage counseling. Have a counselor set up, or start going now and then bring him to counseling.

I'll add this: If I were you, I would stop doing any of the housework at all. No cooking. No cleaning. Let the place be a pig stye. It will certainly get your husband's attention. Tell him that since he doesn't expect his grown daughter to clean anything, you aren't going to either. If she will treat your home like a hotel, so will you. Sometimes a strike is what has to happen. When the girl agrees to start cleaning up, then SHE has to clean the entire house to get it back to specs, NOT you. If he won't go to marriage counseling with you, this will be a preview of what the house will look like all the time without you living in it.

Something has to change. You have to make it change.

You need to talk with hubby. Unless he supports you nothing will change.

T.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Stop doing her laundry. Stop cleaning her room. Close the door.
Don't fix meals for her. Don't clean up after her.
It's your home. She should abide by the rules of your home.

When it comes to your husband? You need to communicate with him. Use "I FEEL" not "your daughter" - it automatically puts him on the defensive.
Your husband needs to be on-board with this.

A family meeting needs to be had. Boundaries must be set up and rules must be gone over. Yes. She's an adult. However, she's living under your roof. Your husband needs to set the clear and present rules - EDUCATION - get enrolled or you have 30 days to get out.

If she's not going to enroll in education - then she needs to work and pay rent. Set the due date for rent. Take the money she gives for rent and put it in a savings account (without her knowledge) so that when she does move out? She will have a nice nest egg - down payment on a home or first and last on an apartment.

You and your husband MUST be a united front/team. If he refuses, then you can tell him counseling is required. DO NOT make threats you have no intention of carrying out.

Good luck!

I think I would tell my husband either she goes, or I do.

How are you bringing things up with your husband? That's important, because if it's coming across as an "attack" on his daughter, he will NOT react well. If it's more of a "how can we make things work smoothly while daughter is home"/ "how can we help her prepare for independence?" thing, he might be more receptive.

Do you have small children? If you can't get your husband on the same page, it won't change. If you don't have small children to worry about, perhaps taking an "extended vacation" and letting them fend for themselves for a week or two might work. Stay with family, or something. This would be the last line of defense, but if hubby isn't dealing with it, won't deal with it, even after you talk with him in a non-"baby girl"-threatening way, it may force the issue to make him responsible for dealing with her exclusively.