20 Month Old

Hi, D.:

Never let a child cry it out. Crying is a way to let you know there is a need to be filled. When is the last time you had the child given a physical?

Hold her, hug her, whatever she needs. In no time she will be grown and gone and then you will wish these days were back.

Good luck. D.

My 20 month old is going thru a very similar phase right now. I hear "hold me" constantly. I figure this too shall pass so she's getting held a lot right now! I think she's telling you she needs more mom time right now and that's what I would try to give her. Heck, get a back pack carrier and strap her on while you are cooking dinner!

Sounds to me like your little one is going through "separation anxiety". Every child goes through this and your daughter is at right age for it. After going through this 3 times, I am inclined to agree with your husband. If you continue to hold her anytime and every time she wants you to, two things will happen. One, you will not get anything done. And two, you daughter will continue to want you to hold her and won't learn to entertain herself. It won't be easy to do but it is necessary both for you and her. In the end, after the "separation anxiety" is over, she will have learned that she doesn't need to be held all the time.

Good Luck!

If it's only been a few days, I'd let it go as she may be feeling extra needy because of the cold or something else even if she doesn't seem too off from it. If it's a longer term problem, I'd probably try to gradually wean her from needing to be held all the time. For when you're trying to make dinner, have you tried giving her "cooking things" to play with while you're cooking? Things like wooden spoons, measuring cups, tupperware containers, etc. are fun at that age. I went to the dollar store with my oldest and let her pick out her own cooking stuff when she was about that age, and then she was happy to "cook" alongside me. Or if you don't have one already, a toy kitchen is a great toy at that age (not necessarily inexpensive, but it's definitely something that will be played with over several years).

For the table, I'd do away with the high chair. Make a big deal about her being a big girl and she can sit in a big chair now all by herself. We loved the Cooshie booster - http://www.amazon.com/Baby-Smart-Cooshie-Booster-Seat/dp/... - which now comes in lots of fun colors so maybe let her help pick out her own special seat? If it's still difficult for her, try gradually increasing the amount of time she's expected to sit by herself before she can get on your lap. Start with her needing to eat maybe 3 bites in her own chair and after a few days challenge her to do 4 or 5 by herself (make it seem fun). Eventually she will do it.

My 4 year old has been sitting in her own chair since probably about 18 months (wanted to be like her older siblings), but there are still days where she wants to climb on my lap and eat with me. Since it's only occasionally we just let her do it, but if it started becoming a habit, I'd probably try to wean her of the habit. Good luck!

I don't think holding her is going to create lasting problems! My 3 year old did the same thing and my 22 month old is doing the same thing. I have to listen to "pick up me!" all day long. With my oldest I pulled up a chair for her to stand on and help me cook when she was 16 months old. With my youngest, she sits on the counter. I have lots of crayons, markers and playdough in the kitchen for them to play with while I cook too. Most days though I perfect the things I can do with one hand! I recently painted part of my bathroom while holding my daughter! I need to get things done and the screaming makes me crazy so I carry her around. She also sits in my lap a lot at meals which my oldest also did at this age. My oldest can now play alone for extended periods, sits and eats well but we are close and I love that. I think you should do whatever you feel is right and whatever you can handle. My friend can handle the fits when she doesn't pick up her 2 year old. And her daughter is also fine. She isn't traumatized because mom is cooking dinner and won't pick her up. BTW - my girls were always worse the day they went to daycare. Mostly because they were exhausted by the time I picked them up. Good luck! It will get better :-)

I agree with your husband. I've treated LOTS of moms over the years who have sprained their low back by carrying their 2-3 year old children around, so for me it's a personal health issue. Mother's have to keep themselves healthy if they want to be able to be able to care for themselves and their families. You are not going to traumatize your daughter by teaching her that throwing a tantrum is not going to allow her to get her way. You are going to be teaching her that she has to follow the families rules. Give her a big hug and take a few minutes to sit with her on your lap after you pick her up from daycare. Read a book together or just talk, then tell her it's time your you to do X, and she can either play or come help you, but she cannot be held right now. It's going to take some time, lots of patients on your part, but it you're consistent, she'll get it. Good luck!

She's definitely old enough to learn not to throw fits for not holding her at meals. She's learning to force you to do something by screaming. Ignoring it and letting her cry in her high chair won't teach her not to do it, but if you choose that reaction, she may (or may not) get tired of it eventually. If you consistently discipline her for screaming as soon she starts after one calm warning, she won't continue to do it.

Ok, I don't see any other answers, but here is mine.

Take a breath. She's 20 months old, and dealing with seperation, and just wants the comfort of you after being in day care all day. Just get used to doing things one handed for a little while, and love her. The next few weeks will be a little tiring, but she will be more assured and you are going to develop some awesomely toned arms.

This will pass and she will be 2 and not want to be held any more, so enjoy it!

Good luck.

Your daughter is at the age when separation anxiety sets in. This is happening also at a time when your and her Daddy are having marital difficulty. Even or I should say especially since she doesn't understand why Daddy is sleeping somewhere else she needs even more reassurance. Hold her has much as you're able. Find ways to be with her when you're doing something else. Perhaps put her in her high chair and sit it near you in the kitchen while you're fixing dinner. Hold her to feed her. She'll mature and want to "do it myself" before you know it.

This is a phase which is particularly more difficult for all of you because of the stress in your relationship with your husband. I've been in stressful times as an adult and wanted my Mom to hold me. Your daughter is expressing a need which you can meet by holding her. I also think that you'll find that the more you hold her the less she'll need it. This is a phase.

What you're describing is a typical day with my 21 month old daughter after daycare. The interesting part is that she only goes to daycare 3 days/week; she's at my mom's the other 2 days and doesn't act like that when we get home. I've realized that she is starving when she gets out of daycare. If I feed her something as soon as we get into the door (usually string cheese), she's much better. Also, I now let her "help" make dinner, which has really helped with the breakdowns. If we're having a salad, I chop everything up and then she puts it in the bowl (it doesn't always make it in there, but she's occupied). She sits in her high chair which I pull up next to me and just hand her the veggies. She also sets the table at times(non-breakable items only - napkins, spoons, plastic whatever). Honestly, I try to keep her busy the entire time I'm making dinner.

With the chair issue, we're still a work in progress.....sigh...

Hope this helps!!!