Toddler 2 Year Old Biting

L.,

Having worked in a daycare setting with 16 2 year olds in one room, I saw this a lot. The main reason for biting at this age is frustration and not being able to express that frustration in words.

Try being his voice when he starts getting frustrated. "I"m getting so mad! _________ isn't doing _________" I did/do this with my kids and it deescalates the situation like a charm. It also worked well in that daycare, if one of the two teachers could catch it before a child lashed out.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Hi L.,

I agree that working with children who have developed a habit of biting when frustrated is very challenging for adults. I have some ideas, but first, I want to set the record straight: BITING A CHILD TO TEACH A LESSON IS ABUSIVE. PERIOD. There are no if's ands or buts about this. Some of us do this because that is what some of our parents did, and it made an impression. Our children trust us to find better ways to teach: we are the adults and should not sink to their level of biting, yelling or scaring them. This is going to make some people angry, but if you cannot find other ways to discipline your child, please seek some resources.

In regard to some positive actions to take to help your grandson, here are some ideas we've used at childcare centers and what I have done as a nanny.

1. Keep an eye on the child who is biting, esp. in social situations. Watch for signs of frustration, anger and move in immediately. Positioning our bodies between the children really helps, and the gentle guidance of having their need attended to before it overwhelms them is key. At childcare centers, we often had a teacher whose key focus was to shadow children who were in a habit of biting.

2. Keep teething items handy. Hard pretzels, frozen bagel slices, teethers, even a cold, wet washcloth all work better than someone else's flesh.

3. Keep redirecting. This is handy when the child bites and adult. "I don't want you to bite people. I don't like that. You may bite this instead." Hand the child something appropriate to bite and then put them down in a safe place.

4. Take extra precautions. Set up a portacrib/pack-n-play in a safe area of the house; when you must leave the children to use the bathroom, place the child who is biting in there with a pleasant activity. THIS IS NOT A PUNISHMENT, but a safety measure. If the other child would also like to enjoy the activity, let them take turns. The point is not to "favor" the biting child by taking them with us out of the room, but to be matter of fact about separating the children.

5. Keep your cool. Instead of showing our anger and outrage toward the child that has bitten, use this as an opportunity to show empathy and compassion to the child who has been hurt. "Oh, ouch. You are so sad. I see that your (hand, arm, etc.) really hurts." Our routine is to always wash off a bite gently and then apply an ice pack. If you have two adults on hand, the second one can help the child who bit get an ice pack for the first one. (Note, do not send the parent of the bit child with the biting child. Parents of children who have been bit often have very strong emotions around the incident and take this very personally. It's an affront.)

6. Give guidelines. As another mother pointed out, it wasn't the yelling or biting back that made an impact, it was the lack of contact and connectivity with the family/group. If my son and I were at a playdate and he bit someone, I would make my amends to the parent and child, apologize profusely and then leave. "Biting hurts. When you bite, we have to leave." Were he to bite at our home, he would need to go play somewhere else.

One thing to remember, and this is important: children at this age might say "sorry" with prompting, but they do not understand what sorry means. Better to model that empathy. And do not encourage the children to hug, or you might find that the biting child will seize the opportunity to bite again.

Toddlers are just learning about self-control and self-regulation. And they are still "learning the rules"...over and over and over again. It is a phenomenal achievement for a child to suppress the urge to bite, most especially when they are teething, so value the successes --no rewards, just acknowledge when they visibly stop themselves from biting. "I saw you wanted to bite Tess, and then you remembered that she is not for biting. Thank you! Here, you can bite this." Keep being clear about boundaries and be vigilant while they are going through this phase. Loving and supporting our child through the myriad challenges of toddlerhood gives them a great foundation for the preschool years, and when we guide them with love, respect, and compassion for what their abilities and personal challenges are, we give them the confidence to continue in a positive way.

My best to your family.

My 14 month old started biting at daycare a few weeks ago. It makes me so sad for my sweet little boy to do this! I know it is normal, but it is still hard because it's such a taboo and because it really could hurt someone. We did a lot of research and finally came up with a plan that really does seem to be working. There are two things that I think are critical: all care givers need to be on the same page and we can't lose our cool (toddlers love the reaction!). Here it is:

Watch for signs:
Watch for signs that he may act out, such as starting to cry while looking at a toy in another child’s hands, grabbing at a toy in another child’s hands, having a toy taken from him, and try to redirect him before he acts out.

If it seems like it may help, give him a toy that he can bite. Or, if he seems tired, maybe it’s time for his nap or maybe he would do better with a quiet activity. Or, maybe he really needs to run around. We take him to the park a lot.

When he is sweet and good:
Name and reward his positive behavior.

If he bites, hits, grabs, pushes, or slaps any of his friends or a teacher:
1) Respond immediately. In an even voice, use consistent language to identify the behavior: ''That is biting. No biting. We never bite our friends. It hurts.'' It helps if everyone dealing with him uses the same language.

2) If he really hits or bites a friend, immediately pick him up and carry him across the room and put him down on his bottom. Leave him there.

3) Comfort and pay attention to the child that was bitten or hit.

4) After a minute or so, go to him and encourage good behavior, or just let him return to playing.

At the beginning of the day, I also try to set the stage by saying, "We are going to be gentle with our friends today. No biting."

Hazel D and Melissa B said just about everything I would suggest, with an emphasis on NEVER biting a child to make a point. Kids will be confounded by an adult doing the exact thing they are being instructed not to do, leaving them with the vague (or sometimes explicit) sense that when they get big enough and strong enough, they will get to "teach" smaller or weaker people by hurting them. (And this form of teaching can, not surprisingly, bite parents in the butt when a child gets big enough to fight back.)

In some cases this may seem like the fastest way to get obedience, but it just isn't necessary. And getting kids to control impulses simply out of the fear of pain or punishment is merely teaching obedience to external authority, and does not familiarize them with the amazing rewards of internalizing one's own authority and self-control. We've got enough adults in the world who will get away with whatever they think they can, because they haven't internalized their own sense of ethical behavior.

At around 2 1/2, my very good-natured grandboy went through a brief period of biting a daycare friend, who was a year older and liked to run things. Since we weren't there to see what was happening, I can only surmise that the three incidents resulted from a combination of being frustrated and/or excited (as Beth L observed, a little kid can be like an overexcited puppy that nips).

Teaching a child how to express frustration (or any emotion) with words, so that adults can empathize and assist where helpful, is possibly the MOST USEFUL TOOL adults can give a small child. It takes off some of the pressure to bite (or other reactive behavior) when we involve higher centers in the brain in alternate means of expression. Of course it will be spotty at first, but it's a great step toward emotional maturity.

What also worked with my grandson was close and patient supervision, watching for possible frustration triggers, finding ways to diffuse frustrating situations, and firm but gentle redirection, along with the clear, repeated statement that "we don't bite our friends" (extending that to "or enemies" can come later). In the evenings, and mornings on the way to daycare, his parents would remind him clearly that he was not to bite his friend, and to use words if he felt upset.

At no time was he treated with rejection or other forms of emotional or physical violence. It wasn't needed, and would quite possibly have simply complicated his emotional landscape in other ways down the line.

This is embarrassing, L., but it will pass. Whatever you do, please let your little grandguy know that he is always loved just for being who he is, not for how he pleases other people. This is every child's most essential emotional need.

My 18 mo old will try to bite/hit/pinch when frustrated. When I see it coming I will warn her and remind her to use gentle touches, or distract her from what it is that is frustrating her.
If she's already in a tantrum I will sit her down and put her feelings into words (you are upset, it's ok to be upset, but we dont bite/hit/pinch ...).
If she catches me before I can warn her, I tell her no biting and give her a 30 sec to 1 min timeout.

I have been very consistent and this is the same method they use in her daycare, she hasn't bitten anyone in quite a while now and usually will not hit/pinch after being warned.

This is a big cultural no, no. It must be stopped in it's tracks. A loud no! is the first approach. If that doesn't work, remove the child from social interaction and tell them why each time. Remove them immediately with swift intention.

It is a phase that many two year olds go through but must be stopped. Remain calm but swift and firm. This is a biggy.

We bought a book called "No more biting". I think that was the name of it. Biting is a hard one when the kid is really little. Our son did not become a biter until he was 3- and he only did it at daycare. He knew the words to that book by heart. Our daycare lady was very vigilant with him (and future biters) and tried to catch him before he did it.We asked the daycare lady to remove him from the room and put him in a safe place away from the kids and just firmly say "I cannot allow you to hurt your friends". I don't know what finally worked but he did stop. My husband hated picking him up from daycare because he would have to apologize to everybody. It is a tough situation. Good luck. S.

Hi L.,
I had this same exact post only two years ago myself! One of the best suggestions I received was to buy a teething type toy (like the yellow star that vibrates) and let him know that if he needs to bite, he can only bite that toy. It worked most of the time but there were the occassional slips. It really is something he'll grow out. :)