19 Year Old Curfew? Disrespectful.

Stop bailing him out of his troubles. Be there for him, but let him clean up his own messes. Tell him he needs to have a full-time job or be in school in order to live at home.

I agree he needs to leave. He's 19, he's not a minor. He's making bad decisions and he is going to have to deal with the consequences.
You can't keep allowing him to make the whole house suffer. To live in a house with other people there are rules and standard behaviors. If you can't handle that, you can't live in a house with those people. Yes, he got in trouble with the law, but again, he's not a minor, he has to deal with the consequences.

My friend couldn't get her son to grow up either. She bought a cheap cheap rv & set it up in a park for 6 months. she paid the rental for it. Her husband took him out to talk to him and she packed up his stuff and moved it to the rv. Hubby brought him to it and they explained that he had a livable place rent free for 6 months. He could sale it all or live in it and get a job and make his own way, but either way he was abusing their love & kindness and they loved him too much to let it continue. He now has a home of his own and time to figure it out. My friend told him they would love to have him for dinner and that it is served daily at 6:30pm, and that they hope to see him then, but if not, they will assume he has it covered. She told him that is was welcomed to do his own laundry on Sunday afternoons for free for one year and looked forward to seeing him then too, but if not, they will assume he has that covered as well. --- He was pissed, and didn't talk to them for a week or so, but he got over it and he realized that they weren't kidding, but were serious. He got a job and slowly began to do for himself. He eventually met a girl and then he worked to get a better place and now he is married with kids and doing great. hope this helps you...

I think one issue may be that you treat your son as a child. I moved back into my parents house when I was 21 - and paid $250 rent per month, did my own laundry, could not keep personal items outside of my "rental" and paid all my own bills - phone, credit cards, car, car repair, etc. while also paying for graduate school. I was required to work AND be in school to qualify for the rental, which I stayed in for 2 years. My Parents felt that if I needed assistance as an adult they would give it to me BUT treat me as a responsible adult. At that time there were 2 younger siblings at home - one of whom eventually had to "rent" her room as well for a year. 20 years later (with 2 higher degrees and a family and home of my own) I really appreciated their help with an affordable room rental and the respect they showed me as an adult child. I learned about respecting their space, not treating them as a resort or motel as well as working towards goals - priceless and I was a model tenant.

Mom, I think you were right to give him a second chance, and you are right again to tell him he needs to make alternate living arrangements now. He cannot or will not follow your house rules, he is disrespectful, you said he physically injured his father and sister - this is a toxic situation for your younger children to have to live with. Your son needs help, yes, but not under your roof unless he gets his act together. I would offer him help along those lines - trying to find a place to live, a counselor, etc. - and set a time limit for him to find another place to live. He is taking advantage of you and I think the very best thing you can do for him out of love is to present a united front and give him an ultimatum. I'm really sorry you are going through this, and hope it all works out for the best.

Whether you like it or not he is an adult. He has to find his way and if it means he falls flat on his face it is his problem. You guys did the best that you could do while he was growing up to try and instill good things in him to be a good citizen of the world.

My son decided not to go to college but worked and decided to go in the military. About two days before the appointed date he decided he didn't want to go. The day came and he was really refusing to go. I called the recruiter and told him what was going on. While waiting for the recruiter I told him that I had prepared myself for this day for him to leave the home and that I didn't care where he went but he was leaving that day. So when the door bell rang and the recruiter showed up he left. It took me a whole year to realize I threw him out of the house. My daughter informed me, "Yeah Mom, you did threw him out." The house was so peaceful no turmoil it was like living in a library and ahhhh. He now has a home, a wife and a son in another state and is a journeyman electrician.

It can be done. You just have to pray for the best for him and let him live on his own. He will figure it out one way or the other. He is lucky because if he had had caused injury to other family members he would not have been welcomed back into the fold. And as others have said you have other children you have to worry about and they are watching what is going on. So nip it in the bud.

The best to you all.

The other S.

Your son needs professional help.

My kids are grown and out of the house for over 20 years. I personally have never felt that respect was more important than getting to the core of what was bothering them. Underneath anger and rage is pain. Your son is hurting.

See if he will go to an excellent therapist and you and your husband also need to go see a counselor to figure out what really is important now. Choose your battles.

Also, sounds like he has a drug problem.

Unfortunately there is no easy solution or answer for this one. We went through this with our now 22 year old. We also have a younger child and were concerned about the influence and the stress on our family. Not to bore you with the details as we tried everything to help our child including years of counseling, walking on eggshells, blaming ourselves, and we tolerated tons of harsh disrespect and bad behavior. We finally put our foot down and tough love was the only answer for us. It is about choices, and since our child chose not to do something to improve her life and make good choices, we chose to politely ask her to leave (more than once), we did allow her to come back home a few times, but it was always back to the same drama. We are now done with the drama. She has not lived at home or over a year and we have peace. We will always love her, pray for her and worry about her and will never let her go hungry, but we cannot and will not tolerate the behavior in our home. Good Luck, I know it is difficult.

Kick him out, now! Regularly, I would say that a 19 year old shouldn't have a curfew, but if he is acting like a child, there is no reason to not treat him like one. He needs to get himself a job, get out of your house and grow up.

To be honest with you, I bet he didn't just wake up one day and was like this. I'm sure you've had problems with him much longer than just since January. I know you can't go back now, but I must say that my kids are young, 6 and 3. I have a neice who is 4 and her mother and my mil let's her do what ever she wants, gives into her everytime she fusses, doesn't discipline her when she fusses or even hits them, lets her be exteemly disrespectful to them. Every time they tell her to do something or tells her no, she responce is "Whatever". Remind you, she's 4. But my children, now they may not be perfect, but they know what discipline is, they know what the word no means and they are disciplined if they become disrespectful. And when we are all together, my sil and mil with complain and gripe about my 4 year old neice, but never really do ANYTHING about it, but complain to me and make comments when I discipline my kids. They have fallen into the whole IT'S JUST A FAZE, THEY'LL GROW OUT OF IT. And most kids do get out of that faze, but move into a much worse faze. If you let a small child get away with little white lies, don't get upset and complain when by the time they are a teenager they are a compulsive lier and you can never believe a word that comes out of their mouth. Sorry for going on like that, but it really strikes a cord with me. Again, I know you can't go back, but it is time for tough love. I strongly suggest you get 2 books. TO TRAIN UP A CHILD by Michael Pearle and HAVE A NEW KID BY FRIDAY. I would also suggest that you see if you have an Amish community there and if they have a program set up to take kids like yours. You really need to get a handle of him now before he starts having kids and totally messing up his life. And since he is a middle child, he might have some resentment built up.

It sounds like you are on the right track just mean what you say and stick to it. I didn't and my oldest is 25, still at home and hasn't had a job in years. If I had stuck to my decision years ago he might have a clue. Now he is not disrespectful by calling me by my first name or blasting inappropriate music, but he should be more of a man especially since he has a 3 year old child. You have other children that are watching what you do with this one so they will know what they can get away with and what you just won't stand for. Help him to grow up by letting him make his own bed to lie in so to speak. Give him a date and stick to it. I pray you do better than I did.

1:00am? Wow... how times have changed. Why not give him a curfew of 10:00? There really is no need for a teenager to be out past 10:00PM.

I assume you are allowing him to live ther rent free too. It's time to get tough on him and either explain the rules (and charge him rent and demand he help around the house) or contact the YMCA - they have shelters that are very cheap and he can live there. It sounds like you've made his life a wee bit too easy and chances are you were more his friend than his mom and this is how he responding. The best thing for everyone is to show him tough love. If you don't do it now, he wont ever learn how to be a responsible young man. Also, his brothers and sisters see how he treats you, so this would be a good lesson for them as well. Good luck.

it is 9pm on a friday and I can totally relate....My husband and I have VERY different parenting styles. Our oldest who is almost 19 and is bipolar has ruled our home since the day he came home from the hospital. As an infant he was either sleeping, eating or wailing, my husband has always been ore of a pacifier...just looking to put out the fire and get some peace....I on the other hand want some punishment....now at the end of his first year of college and living at home he is on the Dean's List, in a fraternity, and working part time - but he UNBELIEVABLY disrespectful, cruel and hurtful to all 4 members of his family. I want to give him the opportunity to live in our home (rent free) as long as he can abide by our house rules....my husband just wants to take care of him regardless of how he treats us (and I am ashamed to say just how bad it gets) and because my husband and I disagree whenever there is an issue with the adult child we end up fighting....start of another weekend and we are fighting again (because we get so stressed out about child and turn on each other) and HE is out partying with friends....something's not right here.....it so much harder than some people realize....I hope we all find peace....

First of all, good for you for giving this so much thought and trying so many different ways to work this out. Such a tough situation and so hard to feel it spiral out of control the more you try to rein it it. We watched very good friends of ours go through this and I would suggest finding a good family counselor. Ask for recommendations at your local high school, church, friends or here on Mamapedia. It's a huge comfort to have someone neutral in the room supporting you all so things don't get out of hand. They might be able to make recommendations on what to do next, how to compromise where needed, how to make a plan that works for everyone. Sounds like you could use the support and guidance, and hopefully your son will be able to take some of that in, too. Best of luck to you all. (BTW, in our friends' case, their son ended up at a Outward Bound/bootcamp sort of place out west (Idaho?) somewhere. He had to follow rules, live off the land a bit, cooperate, etc. and came out just great. Really got it and blossomed. Now he's finishing college and has a great relationship with his family.)

Your son is influencing your younger children. They are watching him and they are watching you. Keep that in mind while you decide what to do in your situation. What does your husband want to do? Since he is a young man, I would step back as the mother and let my husband handle the situation. He would be out of our home in a heartbeat. We would not tolerate this behavior in our home. I totally understand how hard that would be to follow through on, but I think it is imperative. I wouldn't give him time to find a new place. I would tell him he is out today. He will figure it out. If not, then he will be reaping what he has sown. Sometimes that is the best educator of fools (which your son is).

Sounds like you made the right decision.

Updated

Sounds like you made the right decision.

I do not have an answer for you. I just had to say goodbye to my twenty year old, so sad, sounds similar in some ways. He was given some choices, had a job actually that he up and quit, and after the choices moved near his brother who is due to get married in two weeks, two hours away. We wanted to say goodbye on the right note, he wiped out all of his things, took the car and left. I am in short in deep pain, but know that they say they have to do it themselves. We are so worried, but I know that if they cannot follow rules, we need sleep, your family needs sleep and to live without fear. I do not have any answers, only saying I know your grieving like me for what our children could have been and are currenty chosing not to be. My older son joined the service. He has turned out a little different, but is doing better than the younger one. If you want you can write me privately, I do not know at this moment what to say other than I'm with you, we cannot accept live like that and as painful as it is, and it is dreadfully depressing and lonely for me and my husband, since he won't call (but I know he's alright) and he is angry because we stopped the party, but we hope this will improve him. Good luck. My prayers are with you.

First, if you want to be respected...you need to respect him first. What's the big deal of him calling you by your first name? I think you need to pick your own battles. A 19 year old shouldn't have a curfew...I myself stayed out until 3 am, but I never got into trouble. Locking him out is just disrepectful, but there should be some rules too. I would first say...get yourself in school or get a job. If he is in school, he should be able to stay. If he doesn't want to go to school, then he should get any job...Mc Donald's whatever it's his problem if he doesn't want to better himself. No smoking in the house or drug using..he should respect that! No hitting, if he wants to be respected as an adult he should act like an adult. Maybe charge him some rent. It sounds like this boy didn't have a great up bringing. This type of thing should have been taught a long time ago. If he can't follow these simple rules, let him learn the hard way. If he's using drugs, get him some help or let the law take care of that.