18 Year Old Daughter - Columbus,OH

You're going to lose your daughter acting like this mom. Have you sat down with her and chatted about sex and its importance in a relationship and birth control, etc? Or are you just the judge and enforcer? I was 18 once -- in college AND sleeping with my boyfriend at his apartment. I eventually married him. If my mom had called me a tramp.... well I don't know what I would have done. I don't know how you can talk to your daughter like that. What is she supposed to say when she's half asleep and her mother is calling her at 4:45 and calling her names? I would have hung up on you.

The problem is, we don't know what your daughter's story is. Is she a good kid? Is she in high school or college? Does she have a job? Is she respectful to you? Does she help around the house? Could you ask her to leave and support herself if her lifestyle bothers you?

Whatever you do, please stop calling her names. And to all the women on here aghast that an 18-year-old is having sex while still living in her parents' house....seriously? You all need to join the real world.

She is 18 and an adult and can do what she want if she is on her own. If she is living with you then there are some house rules, but you will not be able to control her when she is out of your sight. The time to guide her is over. But you can certainly have curfew rules for coming home, probably the time that you go to bed so your bedtime is not impacted by her schedule. And having sex at 18 is not early, and she is not a tramp if there is a relationship - in my opinion.

I do not think any situation whatsoever would result in me demeaning my daughter with names like TRAMP.

Your daughter is 18 and of legal age. IF she lives under your roof, yes, she is expected to follow rules but be not be a slave to your controls.

Controlling her, or attempting to, will backfire. Stop and look in the mirror....how would YOU feel if you turn this situation around and you were the one being called names by your mom. Of all the people in the world.....MOM is the one who loves you unconditionally.

Before you talk to your daughter more, sit down, relax, go over your thoughts rationally and think like an adult (Mom).

Best wishes.

First of all using terms like "tramp" is NOT appropriate for any mother to use. While your daughter's behavior at this age is not acceptable you need to realize at this point, she's at the age where unfortunately we as parents have to start letting go and realizing they HAVE TO make their own mistakes. We had a similar situation with our daughter and no amount of yelling, arguing, etc helped. Set your rules and tell her if she can't abide by them then she needs to find another place to live. It's hard when you're worrying about them because they haven't called - I'm sure there are many parents who've experienced the anxiety as we have. BUT BY NO MEANS should you EVER result to demeaning terms such as tramp, etc. She is still your daughter and even though she is making mistakes, mothers love their children unconditionally and are there are to pick up the pieces when we can as long as we see them LEARN from their mistakes. When they don't and they keep repeating the same mistakes then it's time for tough love to kick in. Unfortunately they all have to go through things and it's tough as a parents to sit by and watch it unravel but that's all a part of becoming an adult.

Okay A., After reading the responses you got I have to say this.....especially to the Mom's that seem to think an 18 year old having sex is a major offense. How many of you had sex before marriage at 16, 17, 18, 19 or 20? My best guess is MOST of YOU. Let's get a reality check here. Would you rather your little girl rush into marriage before she is ready because she thinks that is the only proper way to have sex? Or because she thinks it's the only way to get Mom off her back? I'm not saying to tell our children to go for it, but since the beginning of time kids (and 18 is not exactly a kid) have been having sex. I stick with my original post, but just had to add this.

In my opinion you are certainly entitled to have rules of the house as long as she is living in your house. I back you up on that one. However, I do believe inferring that your daughter is a "tramp" is way off track. I understand, I've said things in anger and anxiety I wish I hadn't, but name calling is never beneficial and can really cause damage. If I were you I would apologize for that remark and explain you were just worried and upset because you love her so much.

A lot of 18 year olds have sex. If your daughter is in a relationship and not just having sex that is better. I wouldn't want my 18 year old to be having sex either and I agree that you tell your daughter you do not want her to have sex, and what your house rules are (no sleepovers). I also think it is reasonable to ask her to find another place to live (without your help) if she cannot comply. BUT, your daughter is of legal age, and telling her she can't have sex is something you cannot control. I would tell her that you don't want her to, and tell her why you don't want her to, but I would also say I understand this is ultimately her decision. If she is going to have sex I would offer to get her to a doctor and on birth control.

I'll say this again.....The truth is your daughter is of legal age, and telling her she can't have sex is something you cannot control. You can control what you allow in your house, but if you try to control your daugher's actions I fear it will only lead to a decaying of your relationship with her. I doubt that is what you want.

Your daughter is 18 and is obviously conscious of the fact that legally that makes her an adult and she gets to make her own choices. However, you are also an adult and get to make YOUR own choices and it's time for you to choose that you will not have adult children living with you. If your daughter chooses to assert her adulthood, then you can choose to not allow her to live in your home any more. It's time for her to get her own place, job, car etc.... Maybe she'll be less thrilled about being an adult once she's had to deal with the responsibility of being an adult as well as the perks. If she chooses to straighten out and come back, let her but make sure there are ground rules. Let her know what behaviors are unacceptable as long as she's living in your house. Again, if she doesn't like them, she is welcome to get her own place.

Put you foot down.

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Edit: Bobbi....really? I personally think that attitudes like yours are the reason that pre-marital sex is okay these days and why teen pregnancy is at an all time high! Calling it the "real world" implies that it's okay just because everyone else is doing it. It's NOT. We all know that deep down. We ALL know that "everyone else is doing it" isn't a valid excuse for unacceptable behavior. If people would stand up for what's right instead of justifying what's EASY then this world would be a better place.

yikes, your post makes me want to call my mom and apologize! (again) lol..... if it makes you feel any better, that guy is now my wonderful husband of 13 years.... good luck!

Unless you chain her up, you cannot control her every move. :) She is old enough to make choices now that you may or may not approve of. We have all been through that stage and nothing our parents said changed our minds. We often don't realize how much we should have listened until later.

If she is having sex, she probably isn't going to stop, regardless of what time her curfew is. It is a reasonable expectation for her to have a set time to be home and I think you need to discuss that expectation with her and set up some consequences. I would also talk about the sex issue and explain that you are there for her if she wants to talk and ask her about birth control options and make sure she has any information she needs.

You CANNOT control her sexual activities and to try is a lose/lose situation. It will only cause a strain on your relationship. The worst thing to do is to react in anger, call her names and strain the relationship. You have to be there for her and you have to accept that she is a young woman now that is capable of making adult decisions, even if you do not approve.

Good luck to you!

Just to add something to think about: I slept over at my boyfriend's house and we were NOT sexually active. We didn't have sex for the first 3 years of our relationship. I was 19 and he was 20 when we had sex for the first time and we have now been together for 11 years and married for 6.

Try to be there for her, so that she'll have the parental support she needs to make wise choices. Good luck to you! Take care!

I don't think it is EVER appropriate for a parent (especially a mother) to call their children names...especially a name like "tramp"...shame on you Mom!

You have probably done some serious damage to your relationship by acting in this bitter, judgmental way and for putting her down like this. Now that she knows how you feel about her, what is to stop her from continuing on with any reckless behavior because in her mind, you already feel she is a tramp...why not act like one?

She is 18 yrs old...in this day and age can you see why she would feel it would be OK to sleep over at her BF house? I say you should have had a CALM and NOT JUDGMENTAL conversation about birth control and STD's and hoped for the best. You can not control her every decision and at some point you are going to have to allow her to live her own life and trust that you as the MOM have done a good job and raised a well-balanced responsible woman.

There is some great advice offered in the previous posts so I'll try not to repeat. I would not be inclined, however, to throw her out. At that age they are still very impressionable and need guidance. She's in new territory for herself along with peer pressure and she needs a firm foundation she can always rely on.

My two kids are in their early 20's and what has been the basis of our solid relationships is trust and communication. Much of their ability to trust me came in my willingness to listen to them - what they say as well as what they don't say. Along with that has been learning to not judge them. They are human. So am I. They will make mistakes. I've made plenty. They will use poor judgement at times. I do too.

I know you want the best for your daughter. I think it might help to really step back from the situation, get in a more balanced place where you can try to see the situation more objectively and ask yourself what is really important here? How can I best support her in navigating through this time in her life? Perhaps here is where you will find some answers best suited to you and your daughter, where trust can take shape and you can be an anchor for her whether she is fully aware of it or not.

I think it's also important to teach our kids about outcomes as all of our actions have consequences. My kids took note when I said to them that yes, you do have a choice here. It is your choice and along with it comes an outcome. It helped to take them out of the moment and look ahead a bit. It also took me out of the equation where I'm not telling them what to do or think (which I can't do anyway) and that I am letting them and encouraging them to own their own choices. It helped to empower them and make them think about their actions beyond what they might think they want in the moment.

You certainly can set boundaries though. These are the house rules - you need to be home by ? time. Maybe the consequence is that she loses her cell phone privileges (or whatever) for a couple of weeks. You'll find something that you can present to her.

Hidden in this is an opportunity for both of you and while it's not pleasant dealing with stuff like this, the outcomes of the choices you make here along with her can change the course of things. Good luck to you!

ps - I'd drop the tramp thing. It serves no purpose and will only push her away.

I have an 18 year old so I completely understand! Being 18 she can make her own decisions. You only have control over what you allow and the rules of your home. As much as I don't want my 18 year old behaving that way, I know demaning it is a losing battle and the surest way to guarantee it does happen. I do know that kids today do "crash" at each others homes and it doesn't necessarily mean they are having sex. I have actually told my son that if it gets past a certain hour I prefer he stay where he is rather than be on the road at all hours of the night (because of both other people being dui or up to no good AND/OR him being over tired).

I would tell her what your rules are, including a curfew (it should be reasonable considering her age), and explain that it is non-negotiable. Arguing with her will not accomplish anything. If she will not abide by your rules, you have two options...do nothing and allow it or tell her she can't live there.

Things that hit home for me were this.. If I live under my parents roof, then I abide by their rules. Which means a curfew even at 25 yrs old I had a curfew. I Had to pay rent (which was later returned to me by providing me with a down payment on my condo, which we live in today).

The first time I spent the night out and did not call. My dad sat me down and explained why he was so scared for me. This morning he said that they found a girl 18-25 yrs old dead in the forest preserve near me. The only way he knew for sure that was not me, is because I did not fit the nationality. But he was scared and did not know where I was or if I was okay. That really hit home to me and I never did that again. I was always forthcoming with where I was and what I was doing.

You have to hit her where she is going to know what is up. and how her actions effect you in a way that she can see it from your point of view. Kids at 18 think they know the world, then they get to 20-21 and realize that they do not know much.

I was stupid, moved in with a guy at 19, came home at 20 (almost 21). Had 14k in debt and had nothing to show for it. My parents showed me how to get out of debt. And today My hubby and I are mostly debt free.. No CC debt.. just the mortgage, car note and utilities. It was a lesson that I learned very well.

She's 18 now. Hopefully you taught her about birth control and sexually transmitted diseases. It's time to let her make her own decisions. I'm not sure what being "ladylike" has to do with anything, and calling her a tramp seems incredibly outdated. I think pregnancy and disease are the greater issues.

And by the way -- I hope you appreciate a daughter who says "alright mom" to whatever you say, even when you've just called her a nasty name.

If she lives in your house then her age is meaningless, at least in my opinion. I lived in my parent's house until I was 21 (except when I was away at school during the year) and I promise you that when I turned 18, while there were some freedoms that were allowed me that I didn't have previously, my parents' rules were my parents' rules and it didn't matter what my age was. If they said I couldn't go somewhere then I couldn't go and if I wasn't willing to live by their rules then I wasn't permitted to live in their house and I knew it!

I don't know that calling your daughter a tramp is the best way to get through to her, or rather, insinuating that she is acting like a tramp, but I would give her an opportunity to comply to your rules and if she fails to, well, the front door is well...in the front and she can walk through it. She might actually do it though, but I think she will find out that it's a little harder out in the real world and paying your own rent and bills, etc. that she will probably come back.

I don't think you are off track with your reaction in that she shouldn't be sleeping over at a boyfriend's house, but there is a better way to communicate it. Saying that she can't act that way without implementing a consequence is meaningless.

I should tell you that, I myself do NOT have an 18-year-old, but am just speaking from the experience of growing up in my parents' house. Granted 18 was a little more than one decade ago, but not that much farther.

What else was she supposed to say to you at that point? You called her at 4.45 in the morning. She was certainly sleeping and not at home. You called her to yell at her and insult her. However you feel about the way she's conducting herself and respecting the rules of your home, you did not act like the mature adult in this situation, and, in my opinion, need to apologize for antagonizing phone call. Your daughter is moving into the age where you need to have a two-way relationship or no relationship at all. The choice can be yours.

What isn't clear to me is what your daughter is still doing in your house? Is she working? Going to school? Are there other "household rules" that she's still expected to follow, or, aside from this, do you pretty much treat her like an adult? Honestly, if your daughter is mature and responsible in every other way, I would try to accept the fact that she is making different decisions about being sexually active, and find a way to come to peace with it. If you can't do that, figure out with her how you're going to broach this difference. But calling her a tramp isn't going to do it. If your daughter still needs a lot of guidance, set down a whole set of rules - working, going to school, paying rent, cooking, cleaning up, etc. She needs to learn to be a grown-up. Then she can make other grown-up decisions too.

Finally, the horse is out of the barn re: sex, is my guess. She's 18 - statistically most 18 year olds are sexually active. You might not like it, but you should probably work on accepting it, because there's nothing you can do about it at this point.

Make sure she is on birth control AND using condoms.

Take her on guided tour of STDs on Google Images to reinforce the condom rule above.

Make sure she is in college.

Make sure she is working. 12-20 hrs if she is in college or 40+ hours if she is not.

Suspend access to your kitchen. Feeding a adult child who is being a pain in the a$$ would really chap my hide.

Suspend payment for her wheels; monthly auto loan and/or insurance.

Invite that boy and his family out to dinner and casually drop into the conversation something like, "So, how do you guys feel about your son hitting it with my 18 year old daughter and playing house without the responsibilities that come with such adult decisions?"

Well, since she is 18 and legally an adult, you can't really punish her. And, at this point, it sounds like it will just backfire and push her farther into the behavior you're not okay with.

It sounds like you need to find a time when you are both calm and in a good mood, and have a talk. Tell her you are concerned; explain why the behavior can be risky, and why you are not okay with it. And listen to her point of view. Really, listen and try to understand her. You don't have to agree with her, but don't cut down her opinion. Chances are, she needs a strong and steady mom to anchor her (especially if things get hairy), and the more you respect her now, the more she will come to you with whatever she needs help with.

Try setting up a few ground rules. If she doesn't pay you rent, you do have the right to have some house rules - at the very least that she call you and tell you where she is (so that you're not up till 5 am worrying!). You can also have rules about who she has over, and how late. But if you forbid her from going out, or from seeing this guy anymore, or try to impose a curfew, you're just going to push her away. WHich is the last thing you want, right?

She's at an age where she firmly believes that she should be making her own decisions. Continue to love her, to let her know you are concerned about her, and to respect her, and she will be more likely to (eventually) listen to your opinion, even if she doesn't agree.

Oy, this is a difficult time... And one that ultimately needs your relationship with her to stay strong, especially since 18-22 year old girls tend to make bad decisions when they don't trust their relationship with their mothers enough to ask for advice. I think you will need to temper your anger in order to keep the lines of communication open. A few questions for you: knowing that she perceives this as a serious relationship, do you like her boyfriend? If you make things awkward for her at home, is there a possibility she would move in with him? Realistically, she won't stop being sexually active with him, so what is it that you would like to see happen--that she do whatever she does with him before a certain time and then come home? What would bother you more: that she move out of the house and you not know these types of details about her life or that she stay living at home? Is she in school? I assume you would rather she stay in college than for her to move out and work full-time instead? (I must say, I hear so many stories of young adults getting in trouble with drugs, alcohol, the law, abusive relationships, ect., that if this is the worst aspect that upsets you then she sounds like a good kid!)

I think it is fine to let her know how you feel about her decision to stay the night with a boyfriend and that she should be cautious about her actions. But, calling her at the crack of dawn is a little much. Sit down with her and have a dialogue rather than preaching your own ideals on her. She is 18, her own person, an adult understandably a young adult. But, nonetheless an adult.

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My daughter went away to college when she was 18, had a dorm room without a roommate, and had her boyfriend over many anight to sleep. But they did not have sex. I know, some of you are thinking, yeah right, but I know my daughter, and She has made it perfectly clear she is waiting! now at 21 she has another boyfriend, and has stayed at his place, at the frat house. Again, spending the night with him, again not having sex. So before everyone jumps to that conclusion, maybe you need to find out what your daughter is doing.

This being said, it is reasonable to tell her what your rules are, and that she must follow them. She then has a choice to make. But she is not having him over in your house. Is this the hill you want to die on? She could always tell you she is going to a girfriend's house, and then got to BF and spend the night. Would you prefer she lies? So I think you have to make some decisions yourself. I would sit down with your daughter, your adult daughter, and between the two of you come up with a list of rules if she is going to live at your house. It can be difficult to make the transition to dealing with an adult. But if you want to continue to have a good relationship with your daughter now and in the future, you must. The rules you come up with will depnd on other factors going on in her life, if she is in HS, college, has a job, etc.
Good luck!
R.

Yes, she is 18, but if she's living under your roof, she needs to live by your rules. Have you tried to set a curfew and if she doesn't stick to it--no boyfriend visits for a week or two, per infraction. If she doesn't like your rules, she can always move out & be self supporting, right? Good luck!

Mom, I cant believe that you and her father are letting your daugther behave like this and she is still living under your roof and you are supporting her? Does she not have a curfew? Where is her father in all of this? First thing I would do is have a serious sit down chat with her today and tell her how strongly you disapprove of her behavior, then let her know the consequences of her actions. Make it something very meaningful to her, like loss of car and cell for several wks. Let her know if she violates curfew again by being with him or anyone else, she needs to make plans to move out of the house and support herself on her own since she is choosing to live a lifestyle that you dont approve of. Next I would tell her she needs to be put on some birth control pills so an appt needs to be made with an OB/GYN by her asap. Since she is likely sleeping with BF, does she know she is exposing herself to all types of STD's? Be sure you tell the GYN to inform her all about what could happen if she gets one. When the appt is made by her, call him/her afterwards and let Dr know them to discuss STD's with her and what the lifetime outcome could be for her. Wondering is your daughter still in high school, how old is the BF? Where are his parents in all of this? I would let her know that you plan to call them to discuss what is going on if he still lives at home and is being supported by them, an unwanted pregnancy will affect both of their futures drastically.
If I were you I'd get a very strong back bone from here on out with her. I know she will tell you that "everyone is doing it", but it would not be happening under my roof while I am supporting her. If she keeps it up she needs to know that she will need to make plans to move out. Hope this helps

She is old enough to be able to decide herself as to whether she wants or doesn't want to have sex with her boyfriend. If she is having sex with him, then this is unlikely to end, even if they change the hours so that she is home at night.
Unless you really want her to move out and if she is in college drop out and start working (not a great option in this day and age), I would apologize for the name calling and say that you are worried about her and suggest that if she hasn't already, that she go to the doctor to get plenty of birthcontrol including condoms. If she is on the pill, she still needs to use condoms as STDs are very prevalent here in Chi, especially for young people. In some parts of the city, the prevalence rate can run as high as 50%.
Since she is living at home, she should still be letting you know what time she is coming home, so that you don't spend half the time worrying.

good luck.

If she's going to live at your home, she needs to respect your rules. If she's not respecting your rules, she needs to move out. She's telling what you want to hear then turning around and doing what she wants anyway. Explain to her the next time she does it, her belongings will be boxed up out the door and the locks will be changed, and then follow through.

The day that any of my kids, who are living under my roof, thinks its ok to stay the night at a boyfriends/girlfriends home will have their bags packed waiting for them on the porch & the locks changed. So since this is 2 strikes on her, have a stern sit down talk, maybe include boyfriend, & tell her why you will not allow this behavior & tell her that you realize she is of age (government says they are adults, not me) & she can have a few hours to let you know if she is going to abide by your rules or if she is going to move out. And have her sign a contract that says if it ever happens again she & her belongings will have till noon to leave your home.

You seem to be a VERY good, concerned, passionate mother & there needs to be more like you out there, then maybe there wouldn't be so many young pregnancies & the STD rates would drop. As hard as it is, stay cool & calm & refrain from name calling. She will one day thank you.

You need to make your rules clear you know the "if she lives under my roof rules" (whether she is 18 or 80). Be firm. Chances are you pay for some bills e.g. cell phone, car insurance, perhaps even college, etc., let her know there will significant consequences for unacceptable behavior and be ready to deal with her choices. I paid for my college but not my car insurance a bazillion years ago (before cell phones) and my parents made the rules very clear and I had my car privileges taken away. In hindsight, I am so grateful for those rules today. My husband gave the same advice to friends whose daughter was planning on dropping out of college and getting married to a guy who wasn't working or going to school. They stopped making car payments, cell phone payments and college payments and their daughter got the point that she really wasn't ready for the adult world just yet. Just my 2 cents. I'll keep you in prayer. Pax, A

No, last night a friend of ours stopped by and I asked about his daughters. He said they are fine, specifically I asked about the nineteen year old -right around the same age as my son. He said I threw her out. I was absolutely floored. He said he and wife agreed she needed to leave because she would not follow the rules.
We have threatened this with my son if he does not stay on target. We are people who have to wake up early to go to work, he works and it is later hours. I do not need to be awake all night worrying about him which I do.
You will have to lay out some rules. They do not like supporting themselves, but I did at that age and have lived on my own since eighteen.
I think they do the alright mom, or uh, huh, okay, etc. so they think we will shut up-. You need your health and your sleep (I am sure my cancer that I had last year sped up from worrying about a son that was in the service and my other one who was out all night half the time). You must be very clear what can happen if the rules aren't followed. I say can because I can tell like me we are in the threatening stage. My husband says twentyone and he's out. He was walking a girl home the other night, and returned at about two in the morning. We took turns on the worry shift. It is difficult, but to answer your question : YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT OFF TRACK WITH YOUR REACTIONS.

Well, my 19 year old daughter came home. Husband in Army and I gave daughter a list of rules as far as living at my house .
After a few weeks of her not respecting my rules, I asked her to leave. She did the rounds of her friends and other relatives, tried one more time at home and was asked to leave again because she would not follow the simple rules of the house.
Now I have not seen or heard from her in 4 months. I don't know where or how she is living. Yes, it hurts me, but it's OK because I no longer have a constant battle with her.
At 18 , and really before that, our kids have agency . They can make choices, but they cannot choose the consequences of their actions. If you feel this is unacceptable behavior, then you need to make your own choices, but remember there are always reactions.
Your house, your rules...stay and obey or go and do whatever you want. Give her a choice. Mine was 3 strikes you're out. You have to decide what yours is.

She is 18 and of legal age.
I agree it would upset me as well.
However if she is woman enough to do this...she is woman enough to (in the words of my parents) If you live under my roof you live under my rules. If she cannot obey your rules there should be consequeces and living somewhere else may be it. She may choose to live with her boyfriend and you need to be ready for that as well. dont make idle threats unless you can follow through with them.
Pray for you to come to her senses.
the more you push the more she will pull so be prepared emotionally!
best wishes

A.,
You've already rec'd a lot of responses and I didn't read them all, but I don't think your reactions are off track. Yeah, maybe she isn't having sex, but sleeping overnight with a boyfriend is either going to be a temptation to do so, or obviously, they already are. I think its fair that you tell her you are unhappy about it. But, telling her she's being a tramp will only create more tension between you. You obviously have values that say its unladylike, and she doesn't share those. We can't control our children (it would be nice!) and we have to hope that the way we raised them will be enough, but, if she's living in your house it seems more than fair that she have rules, even if she's 18. If you guys can establish what those rules and boundaries are together, and she agrees to them, she will be more likely to abide by them. When she doesn't, you'll have to keep the boundary...whatever it is you decide.

I your daughter is still living a home, you have the right to direct her NOT to sleep over at her boyfriend's. If she does so again, she should be told that there will be consequences for her action, financial or otherwise. If your daughter refuses to abide by your rules, I suggest she find another place to live.