14 Year Old Daughter, Lies, Lazy, Sassy, Help...

I'm afraid I don't have much advice, only sympathy and empathy. I have a 14 year old daughter that I love like crazy, but as you say, there are days that I find it hard to actually like her. She's happy as long as everything is going her way, but once it isn't, it's like "NOTHING ever happens right for me!" and I'm left mentally tabulating everything I've done for her up to that point. It's exhausting to try to stay on her good side 24/7, and I just can't do it. Anyway, sorry to ramble. Just know that you're definitely not alone. *hugs*

Welcome to being a teenager's MOM! Tell her you will see the real her in about 11 more years when she really has grown up, instead of just thinking she has. haha

I have been told my advice on teenagers is off the wall, so if you would like my advice you can email me. I have raised two teenage boys and they are both working and in college on their own accord. I have a great relationship with both NOW! and isn't that the real meaning to raising kids.

My quote for life: "You can't live anyone's life for them, they have to live it for themselves." Even teenagers!
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Hi K.,

You are not alone. My 14 year old daughter drives me nutso sometimes. She's a good kid and an honor student but I am telling you if I didn't stay on her case 24/7 she would be a lazy slob who sat in our big comfy chair and texted her friends and IM'd on the computer.

What we as moms have to understand is that these girls are under SO much pressure. Junior High is a horrible place to have to go to every day. I know I would NEVER want to go back.

As long as she's not having sex and using drugs or alcohol, you are doing a great job as a mom. I asked my family physician once, "Why are teenagers SO difficult?" He gave me the best answer:

In nature (in the animal world), the young bear cub (or cat or dog or whatever) will finally begin to do things to irritate the mother: biting, wanting to nurse after being weaned, swatting, etcetera. This is a natural occurrence in the animal world because it is nature's way of giving the mother a reason to "let go" of its offspring, allowing it to venture out on its own and become an independent adult. The same occurs in the human world. The growing child will begin to explore his or her independence, while at the same time doing things to annoy the mother, making it easier for the mother to allow the child to leave the home and become a successful adult.

This was my favorite answer. And so true, huh? As I'm writing this mine is poking me in the shoulder with her index finger and I have no idea why. Hang in there. If you ever need to talk, feel free to message me.

FOUR MORE YEARS!!!!!!!!

~A.

Yes, at times I get really frustrated I have a teenager who is thirteen and will be fourteen in January and she acts exactly like your child.

I have had to really get strict with her and this has helped some but her mouth still runs. She doesn't think before she speaks and man, can she be disrespectful. I have learned with the grades that our school has a website that keeps all her grades online and I can check them as often as I want. I sat her down and explained to her that honesty is the best policy and told her about the website and I let her know that I would know when she is hiding grades. Also, the school has a planner ( a calender/book) that the kids are required to write all their assignments down for each day. One rule that I have is when she gets home from school I need to see the planner. I check it and we go over what they did in class and talk about her day.

And of course if she hides grades, she would have a consequence. I always try to find something that I know she really enjoys, t.v. or ipod. Also, folding clothes she can't stand to do and this is a good consequence.

Also she has told me on several occasions that she doesn't know what she has to do on her chores, just an excuse of course, but no problem, I just typed her a daily chore list. Now there's no excuse, and if it doesn't get done, a consequence she has. It sounds like I'm really being tough, but life has gotten a lot simpler with me buckling down. Now the mouth situation, I'm still working on trying to fix that, unfortunately I think it's just a phase they go through, but if she says something really ugly she gets a consequence.
Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
A.

Hi K.,

I have a 15 year old daughter I totally understand. The most important thing is pick your battles, I believe the being disrespectful is a lot more important issue than keeping her room tidy. Nobody ever said you have to like her as long as you always love her and she knows it. Thats all that is really important. My mother always told us girls (I am the youngest of 4 girls)" I don't care if you hate me I'm not here to be your friend I'm here to raise you to be a responsible, independent Women. I totally agree with Amy when she said as long as she is not having sex, doing drugs, or drinking. you are doing a great job with your daughter. Hang in there someday she will be joy to have around again.

Have you been "peeking" in at our house??? Oh how I can relate! Ours is 13 & is so hateful & lazy & the messiest person I've ever met. She has to be told to bathe, then you have to stand in the bathroom to make sure she gets in the shower...her teeth are horrible because she won't brush them....she is a "master" liar and sneak the list goes on ! We've had to lock our pantry & freezers & hide the key...She has plenty of good food to eat & isn't "deprived" in any way but the thrill of sneaking is a problem! I've come up with several items of clothing missing only to find them in the bottom of the trash can...I have to lock up my make up even though she has her own & the list goes on! We've done extra chores, standing in the corner for 30 min. & the latest thing that seems to work is making her do sit ups, push ups & jumping jacks....she hates exercise! I can truly relate & sympathize with you!!

Hi K.,
I have a 14 year old boy. He also does the lieing and being disrespectful. I too am at my wits ends and don't know what else to do. I just wanted to let you know your not alone. If you ever want to chat I'm here for you.Have a great day.

I don't have any advice to give you as a mother. But I do have some encouragement to give you as a daughter. I was raised as an only child by a single mother my entire life. Around 14 I became the biggest jerk to my mother. I did everything you just explained about your daughter and more. I was sneaking out, doing drugs, stealing her car, you name it I did it. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is after a few years I realized that my mom was way more important than any of those terrible friends that were getting me into those messes. Now at 26 with 3 kids of my own, I can't imagine not having my mother around. We truly are BEST FRIENDS. And its been that way for at least 8 years now. I know this isn't very helpful, but I hope it might help you see the light at the end of the tunnel. It really will get better. Hang in there.

I really don't have much advice, but we should start a club!! I have one of those too...she has been grounded for ever and has finally started to come back and do stuff right. I have had to taake away every fun thing she ever did, and she had to change her friends. It has been very trying and difficult, but ultimately she will have to make the choices for her self. That is the most difficult thing for a parent to realize is that they are finding themselves and will go throught the rebellious times-we just have to do our best to keep them safe... Good luck and if you find something that works let me know!!!

T.

My son from 16 up tried to be disrepectful, dominating, refused to clean room until I started cleaning with a trash bag throwing everything away, music too loud until I started taking music player away, etc

I can only say stand firm but loving. There is life after teenagers. My son is now turning 31 and very considerate. M. W

I have the same problems with my 13 year old daughter. I am sure it is pay back for my own teen years. I honestly don't remember being this bad! My mom says that I was not as bad as my daughter. I pray everyday for ways to deal with her. I also thank God every day that she behaves at school and with other adults. It's just me and her dad and sister that she is horrible to. My only advice is to pray, pray, pray. I would love to hear whatever advice you receive.

Wow, sounds like my life!!
I also have a 14 yr old who drives me crazy, but I think
that's just what they do. We drove our Mom's nuts and now
it's our turn. I also have a 2 yr.old son, who's delayed
with his speech. A Daughter who doesn't stop talking and
a son who we can't understand. We gotta love them!!

We found a pretty effective way of dealing with our teenager when she was a senior: one week at a time.

Our school has a "grade and attitude check" that the student carries to all their teachers, who fill it out and send it home with the student. We did this every Friday. If it was all OK, she got her weekend activities. If there were any zeros or attitude problems, she lost her weekend. Then it started all over on Monday.

It worked really well because she just had to get through one week at a time and if she lost a weekend, it reminded her to behave the next week. This worked a lot better than grounding her indefinitely; at some point they stop caring if it goes on to long.

The key is to find what matters to her. The great thing about this system is they get a fresh start every week, so it doesn't drag on into this long thing that makes them give up.

You have to stress that it is HER decision if she loses a weekend, not yours. You give her the rules and consequences, then she chooses which option she wants for that week. Don't let her turn it into you being mean. SHE decides.

Also, look on-line for a program called Smart Discipline. We used their system when she was younger, but it will work for any age and is more geared toward behavior at home as opposed to the grade and attitude at school.

Smart Discipline takes the guesswork out of the consequences. You lay the rules and consequences out very clearly and they choose how to behave. If they lose a priveledge, it's their decision, not yours. It takes the fight out of it; you just point to the chart.

Good luck!

A lot of moms may not agree with my tactic, but if it works, I say go with it. I had a teenager who was just like your daughter. He was driving me crazy with lying, laziness and the list goes on. What I decided to do was to promise him things and then lie to him and tell him I didn't remember saying this or that. This really hurt him that I lied to him. He felt that his mom and dad are not suppose to lie to him. I would go into his room and mess it up even more to where he couldn't find things that he really liked (I hid them). It was a long process, but he finally got the hint. He didn't think he was hurting anyone by doing what he did. I told him that it hurt just as much, if not more, when he lies to us. He has become the child before the lying, etc. started. I do hope this helps.

K., I understand. I had one of those! Love her. But hold the line when it comes to standards. It isn't easy, but stay ahead of her in every case. Verify evrything. Some schools have homework on the school website. We finally made Friday nights the night that anyone could come over for pool, basketball, games, food, etc. We met most of the friends, knew where our children were, knew pretty much what they were doing, etc. We gave up evrything that occurred on Friday nights, but it really helped. Since she knew that she couldn't go anywhere on Friday nights, she came to accept it. L.

Unfortunately, I have no real suggestions. I could have wrote this myself exactly. All I can say is stay on her. Find out if her school has online grades and check them daily. I have gone as far as to strip my daughters room down to a matress on the floor, 7 changes of clothes, and nothing else. She had to earn it all back. I was tired of seeing brand new clothes she requested I buy on the floor, trampled, with the tags still on. We started with losing priviledges. After a while, she kept on losing it, getting it back... so we chose another route. Now, she has to earn everything. If she doesn't clean her room, do her own laundry, help with the dishes, etc... there are consequences. She can wear dirty clothes, chose to either clean the dishes or eat off dirty ones, or sleep on the floor. It is an everyday battle. She still lies, tries to sneak things behind my back, but it is slowly getting better. She knows the consequences. I use to feel sorry that she missed a friends party or let her do things because her being grounded punished the whole family. I can't do that anymore. When I say something is going to happen, it has to happen. Consistency seems to be the best thing.

Good luck.

Welcome to the teenage years!!Alot of what she is doing is related to her hormones I have been through that with my own I have 4 children(2 oldest are girls) 18,16, 14 and 11. It has to do with their age. I would set boundaries for her. If she doesn't get her room cleaned at least once a week she can't go out say with her friends. You need to let her know you won't allow her to talk that way to you and punish her accordingly.

One of may daughters and her grades did the same thing and we found her lying about getting homework completed. We also found the friends she was hanging out with were encouraging her. So I started to communicate with her teachers on a weekly basis by email. I asked to see her assignment notebook and stayed on her at home and the teachers also encourged her at school. With us working together she started to turn in all assignments on time and her grades came up.

At that age it is the first time they have really had to study since it is the beginning of high school, they may not have developed good study habits so you may have to help her and show her what is expected.

Hang in there it does get better.

ABSOLUTELY! The only difference between you and I is that you have one 14 year old, and I have 16 year old twins, plus a 3 year old. I have heard from older wiser mothers that by the time you start liking your children again (after their teen years) they move out on you and you miss them like crazy.

As for advice about school, try to stay in contact with the teachers. All of the teachers in our school system have school e-mail accounts, and I've used them frequently. She'll get upset because you're checking up on her, but she won't feel like she can hide things if you're in the know.

One other piece of advice, if you're a praying woman, pray, because sixteen brings a whole new set of troubles. Be Blessed.
B.

K. I feel you I have a 14 yr old daughter with most of the same problems. I can't really give any advice because I am going through it also. I thought you would feel a little better just knowing you are not alone in this matter. I am still trying to understand why and what to do about it. I have taken away things(cell phone, computer, music ) but it does not seem to matter. I am also 40 something but I am single. Does not help. Lets hope they grow out of it or we can figure out what to do.

I did not have as extreme problems, but my daughter went through a similar stage. I just hung in there, insisting on respectful behavior, even if I couldn't get the attitude that should go with it, defending my values and views when she gratuitously attacked them, grounding her as often as necessary, and reminding her how doing her work related to her longterm goals (it's hard for them to keep in mind things like, "If you want to go to college, you have to learn math"). I also did things she liked, like driving her and her friends around, and pointed this out to her (because they don't seem to appreciate anything, but I could get a grudging acknowledgement that I wasn't a total burden on her life).
Two years later, my daughter is respectful, responsible, and mostly fun to be around. She's also a lot more independent--in a good way.

She will become likeable again. As for the lying about homework I have a son graduating from high school this year that from about the age of 12 has,occording to him, never had homework! I found that taking him back to the school and having the janitors let us in to retrieve books helped. I also went on line and checked though edline and let him know I was calling teachers and it was in his best interest to tell me first. But in the end what worked for him was bribery ! Find something she wants and bribe her into working harder in school and at home. But be grateful that she will grow out of the terrible teens and become a young lady you can talk to again. My daughters are 29 and 22 they had difficult years but came though it. Just hold on and stick to you guns and you will both get through these times. Good luck . LKE

why do girls at that age love to wear make up and try to be older than they are?