11 Year Old Step Daughter Acting like a Brat!

I hate to generalize, but 11 is the gateway age.
It opened up a whole new range of attitudes, behaviours and personalities for my daughter and I.
(Slacking on room cleaning, arguing every little thing I said...)
The best advice I can give is, be patient,be understanding that they're dealing with the not a kid but not a teen thing. Getting her out with kids her own age, but in a positive environment. Non competetive Tae Kwon Do in our case. She's been empowered and much more responsible since
joining MAPI.
Link to MAPI: http://www.mapionline.org/

WHAT HAPPENED GIRL? OBVIOUSLY THOSE WHO RESPONDED THAT WAY DONT HAVE ANY 11 YEAR OLD HUH. MY 11 YEAR OLD LIL BRO IS ENOUGH TO MAKE ME DREAD HAVING MY DAUGHTER AT THAT AGE BUT THE TIME WILL COME. HOPE YOU ARE DOING OKAY

This sounds so much like my daughter. How did her mom die and how long ago? Did she ever deal with it?
Don't ever let the words "you're not my mom" penetrate. That is one thing I learned real quick with my daughter. I finally started looking her stone cold in the face and saying "You're right... if I were, you wouldn't be acting this way because I would have never left you like your mom did. But her choice is not our fault so you can make it hard or you can make it easy." I realize this exact statement wouldn't help you... my daughters egg donor chose to leave and rarely pops up.
She may be testing you... granted, her real mom maybe didn't choose to leave, but she is gone still... and she may not know if you will leave also. Especially if she hasn't dealt with her moms death... that would mean that to her, leave is leaving no matter if you chose to walk out or you died. It would also mean to her, that her mom had a choice and chose to leave her... the same as you might. Therefore, if she pushes you away, it won't hurt when you go, or die.
It seems kind of like this would have taken place before now, but this is actually the exact time that it would happen... she's gotten to love you and she knows that. A year ago, she could have lived with you... no biggie. 6 months ago, she would have missed you, but hey... she's been there before. Now... it's serious, she really loves you and every time she thinks about how much she loves you... she also thinks about how much she loved her mom and her mom left, for whatever reason.
My best advice is to tell her that you love her and you're not going anywhere... every chance you get. However, don't give her the special attention and go out of your way for her... she needs to know she's just like the rest of the kids. Treating her different, even better, will make her feel like she's not "yours"... like you're trying to make up for something, which will be a reminder of her loss. There will also come a time, and this may be part of what you're dealing with now... that she expects this treatment and she just acts spoiled, like she can do whatever she wants. This was part of the case with my daughter... not with me, because I don't bend over backwards for her... I actually expect more from her because she's the oldest of our 4. But, her dad always "gave in" because he felt bad that she was the only one who really missed their "mom"... she had a bond with her, she felt the pain when she left, etc. the other two were too young and didn't have enough bond with her to even care.
Feel free to write me if you would like... I'll talk all you want.

J.,

I can relate. I have a daughter who is 10 (almost 11) going on 20. After her father and I divorced 8 years she lived with him for 5 years. She returned to me 1 year ago. He lives in Colville WA and I am in Kent, WA. 6 hours away. She is very manipulative and mouthy. She disobeyed me over and over. A child whether it be a natural or step child will have behavioral issues if they are not raised with your morals and rules for the first part of their lives.

First, you taking away her room privledges is not fair for the other child. In my experience my daughter would get verbally mean to the other child she shared a room with because she knew it would irritate me. Try taking things away that she loves. With my daughter it was her friends and golf. (Yes she golfs) Second, telling her to find another home is never good for the childs sense of security. I understand it was in the heat of anger, but it still hurts them a lot and hard for them to recover from it. Packing her belongings and telling her to leave you are sinking to her level. I am not attacking you because let me tell you I have been there. My 10 yr old physically attacked my husband who is her step-father who also defends her from me when I am exhausted. She wants to move back to her father house which is not an option. She was being mean to her siblings, and me. Once she saw that was not working she turned her anger to my husband. Well he called me and told me what happened and I had all day to think of the perfect punishment for her.

Here are a few ideas that have worked wonders over the last few weeks. Yes I said weeks. Grounding her from friends, phone, TV, movies, family outings (get a sitter), make her clean. I have made my daughter after her last incident with my husband clean the kitchen, living room, bathrooms (2), fold laundry and keep her room spotless. She is not allowed to play with her friends, use the phone, watch tv, etc...I do not allow her to use the dishwasher while doing dishes. It is all manual. If there is a plate, glass silverware that is dirty then I pull out all the plates (if it was the plate that was dirty) and make her rewash all. She has improved tremendously. She wrote him a letter saying sorry for her actions and mean words. She has been doing this for a week now and has a week to go. Yes I did it for 2 weeks. You have to be the parent and let them know that they are not in control. I felt mean but I had tried everything else. Since she had done this for a week with out complaining I did give her one day with her friends (today) after she finished all the housework and I inspected it. She was thankful.

I know you are in a harder position then I, but it sounds like our daughters are rebelling the same. If you need to talk or vent let me know. ____@____.com or http://blog.myspace.com/katrinastark. Trust me I need to vent sometimes and I talk with her stepmother often. Good luck. I hope to hear from you.

hi J. how's it going i hope it has gotin better . for you i have only young kids but i have been a nanny for 14yrs and done a lot with other's children so i would say that she may be having a hard time dealing with losind her mom and geting a new one i now it's been a while but some times kids go thrgh a honymoon stage where they do realy well for the first year or so a n then thay get comfy with you and then the anger comes out if you always talk to her she my tell you whats wrong i hope she will tell you if you don't thank that that is it then maybe she has a new freind and is folling ther lead it hapens that kids get freinds and they treat there parents bad and so she my try to do to you what they do to there parents so check for new friends if you ever whant to work from home call me 1-###-###-#### i hope this helps S.

You have the cards, the things that she wrote to you when she was not in a rage of anger and hormones. That is what is real. We all have (and I am sure still do) say things in anger that we don't mean, or that we regret later. I grew up with a step mom when I was that age. It is hard, on both of you... and your daughter being 11 doesn't help either. The next 2-3 years will set the pattern of her reactions to you that will last until she matures enough to get out of the "teenage" stage of her life. She will start trying to act like a grown up, and yes there will be fights. Yes she will be a brat, yes she will disobey. So just know that this is going to happen and plan for it. Set up consequences prior to rules not being followed so she knows what will happen even as she is making the choice not to listen.

But above all the thing to do is to treat her with respect even when she shows you none. It threw me for a loop everytime my other mom did that to me... I can still remember it. I would be upset and yelling things at her and trying to upset her as much as I was upset and all she did was stay calm and tell me what I did and the reason her and my dad hadn't wanted me to do it and what exactly is going to happen now. There is no defence against that. At least the few times I got her mad enough to yell back at me there was some satisfaction I got out of that (i know that sounds bad, but pre-teens are not known for their respect or good judgement).

Just know that she loves you even as she is pushing the bounderies and trying to race in to womanhood before she is ready. Walk away when you are too angry to speek... the issue will still be there later, pick your battles, let the little things go, know that there is no way you can fully controll an other person, learn to let go of the vision of her as a child a little at a time, allow her to shape herself in to the woman she will be one day, and give her a good example of the woman you wish her to be through your own actions. They learn so much just by watching us through out their lives and we are who they want to be.
We are MOM =)

Wow, I know exactly what you are going through. I adopted my step daughter about a year ago, but have been in her life for over 6 years. When she was younger, it was so much easier, but for the past 2 years or so, it has been hell. She is 13 now, so about the age your daughter is is when she really started to test limits. You didn't mention how long ago her mother died, and that may be a big part of it. She may not have dealt with all of the feelings that come with that. I would definitely suggest getting her in to see a child psychologist, it is so important for her to learn to process all of the grief. You also need to be consistent. If you can't or won't follow through with something, don't say it. If you do say it, then follow through. If she makes you so angry that you can't think straight and you are afraid you might say something that you will regret, tell her that. Tell her "I am so angry with you right now I can't talk to you at this moment, so before I say something that we will both regret, I am going to walk away and I want you to go spend some time thinking about what you did and when I am a little bit calmer, I will let you know what your consequence is...". Make sure that it is something that really affects her. If she loves to watch tv (mine sure does), then take away tv for a week. If she doesn't give a rip about tv, then don't take that.....make it meaningful for her. Also, act the way that you want her to act. You are her role model now. Also, if she has younger siblings then you can use them as a positive influence. Mine has started having a major attitude and talks to us disrespectfully sometimes....and now my 2 year old is starting to do it....so I have started telling her that she is going to speak to us with respect and if she doesn't respect us enough to speak to us properly, then she should care enough about her little sister to be a good role model to them. It seems to help some, but the hormones win out sometimes and then it is just a matter of riding the wave of them and waiting for her to come out of her room and behave "normal" again. Good luck to you, and if you need to talk or vent, please feel free to email me.
____@____.com
A.

Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if your mom died when your a little girl and from what this sounds like you have absolutely no compassion for her. You aren't her real mom and you never will be no matter how much you love her or she loves you. That has got to be so hard and it's completely heartbreaking that you would treat her so badly. I know that kids can make you so crazy you think your going to lose your mind but you need to understand what she is going thru as well instead of yelling at her maybe you should try talking to her and find out why she is acting like this instead yelling at her and hurting her and she really needs counsling that's alot for a little girl to handle.

I'm sorry that I can't offer much advice because my only child is only 16 months, but I can tell you what I've read, used on students (I taught 5th grade and substitute part-time now), and learned from my own childhood.

Yes, you are right - she is at that age where is she going to rebel, it's natural, don't take it personally. But some important tips to follow:
1) Keep your cool. If you can't, then tell her to go to her room or sit on the couch while you decide what the consequences of her actions will be.
2) Don't threaten. Only say it if you mean it. You should have taken her "own room" privledge away the first time you saw her disobeying after you said that would be the consequence. And then you should have started moving at least a few of her things into the other room. (By the way, I myself lost my own room privledge while I was in 9th grade and I hated sharing a room with my 6 year old stepsister). And the other half of this, don't make consequences you can't follow through on - like telling her to leave and packing her bag. She'll eventually see right through that and won't care when you say it because she knows it's not going to happen.
3)Don't fight with her. Walk away, send her out of the room. She will not respect you if you act like her - yelling, losing your temper, and such.

I know it's very hard to keep calm when a smartass child is talking back to you and sometimes you will lose your temper in front of them. BUT for the most part, you need to be the adult and it's okay to walk away or send them away while you calm down and decide what you are going to do with them. With a child this age it's okay if consequences are delayed for even a few hours or until dad gets home (so you decide together) just be sure to make she knows that and enforce a no fun activity time until then. I hope that I was able to be of some help to you.