10.5 Yr Old Girl with Social Immaturity Issues

You just described my 10.5yo high functioning autistic son to a T! They are unable to pick up on non-verbal cues, and he HAS to finish what hes saying - talks too much, laughs too loud, etc. A lot of OT/PT places offer social skills classes - that may be something to consider.

She is 10 1/2. Give her some time. Not all kids are perfect. Why does everyone jump to "have her evaluated. She sounds like she is on the spectrum." Really. Some kids are just quirky. Do some role playing with her. Much easier than dragging her to psychologist and put her through testing. And even if she is on the spectrum, you are her biggest influence when it comes to social settings. School districts have enough to do these days. Let her be a kid. Guide her along. She will get it.

Add: I know some kids are just "quirky". I also know that some kids are quirky for a reason and that a little help goes a long way. Kids on the high end of the Autism spectrum basically look at and process the world differently. They are not trying to be rude, but they are unable to process SUBTLE emotional context naturally. Most of us "pick up" on nonverbal cues, etc. The social rules/cues are not "built in" and easily taught through regular interaction as they are with most of us; these kids have to work harder to learn them. Their brains are doing other things and don't unconsciously register, so they have to learn to look for it and act accordingly. Personally, the teen years are hard enough to navigate when you're not quirky. Finding out if it's just "quirky" vs. something that needs a little extra help just seems like the best thing to do to make the teen years less traumatic (if that's possible :).

Original: Has she been assessed? Some people have social processing issues and she might be able to get help from the school district with it if she has challenges. She may be "wired" differently and need some "training" to be able to read people.

My son is very high on the autism spectrum - most people have no clue, but in certain social situations he is clueless. He's 6 and I see how he's just a bit quirky. He gets basic help from the school district, and it helps me as well.

There is a program through my daughter's school that talks about mirroring, understanding body language, listening as well as talking, etc. Its all done in a playful way, through improv or games, but it get the kids to notice their own body and others action and reactions. Can you look up classes in social cues/curriculum or life skills in your area? As far as tonight and beyond, role playing can help.

I would suggest that you locate a neurodevelopemental pediatrician, have him or your local Department of Disabilities and Special Needs perform an ADOS and a CARS to assess her for Asperger's, or High Functioning Autism. When I compare what you say to my experiences with my son they sound the same. Also, contact your local Autism Society, they will be a source of information and comfort if she is diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Let me know if I can help in anyway..

I would like to add this...since there are so many comments about those of us who made suggestions based on a good faith effort to help someone who ASKED for it...Your daughter may not be Autistic at all, but, if you have her tested it doesn't leave scars, it will let you know if she is and it will also tell you if she isn't...if she isn't no harm, no foul, but , if she is you will be able to know how to better help her as she grows...

Social training for a child who isn't fully understanding what social situations are supposed to look like takes time.

I would start at home. Each night at the dinner table, go around and have everyone share 3 good things and 3 things they'd like to have improved about their day. Tell the entire table, "when people are talking, it's important to stop talking and listen to what they have to say without interrupting or monopolizing the conversation. We pay attention to their face and body. When they finish speaking or ask us a question, we know it's our turn to talk. Let's practice. I'm going to tell you about my day. I want you to listen, and then ask me questions about my day without talking about yourself. When I'm done telling you about my day, it will be your turn, and then Daddy's and then Sister's. When it's not your turn, you practice being a good listener."

Be sure you gently correct her each time she tries to interrupt, monopolize, or draw attention to herself (including a rude, bored look, sighing, or tapping, or laying on the table). Remind her about how we respect everyone in the family by giving them our attention. "Stop, DD. It's ___________'s turn now."

If necessary, you might have to tell her to go to her room for a bit of a time out. "I see that you can't stop talking about yourself and just listen, DD. This behavior is rude and unacceptable. Please go to your room and think about how a converation is supposed to be. When I call you, we'll try again."

This has worked wonderfully with my younger child who LOVES to be the center of attention.

Not to jump the gun but Patricia G's response was spot on. I have known two kids like this over the years and it turns out they were on the autism spectrum (both smart kids whose only signs were an inability to read social cues and relate to peers.) I'm NOT saying your daughter is but it's something to keep an eye on. If she doesn't grow out of it before she starts middle school have her assessed (it could be something else, maybe just something she needs some therapy for.) Don't be afraid of getting her some help if she needs it!

Would like to second the suggestion for having her evaluated for Asperger's. I have it, I know a lot of other people who have it, and the one thing we are collectively not very good at is judging others' reactions to what we say or do, or not knowing when something is socially appropriate or not.

The difference between some of us and others, however, is that we have gone to extra lengths to LEARN these things, even though we will never FEEL them for ourselves, so we can kind of "act" our way through situations when necessary.

It has been very helpful to me to learn these things. One girl in particular that I'm thinking of is at the opposite end of the scale...her mother sheltered and protected and defended her behavior TOO much, and at the age of 20 she STILL comes off as incredibly rude because she was never taught how to behave appropriately.

I'm not sure I'm explaining it so well, but I hope it's making a bit of sense. I tend to get a little scattered on this subject. ;)

I see nothing wrong with having her checked. It's not traumatic. Jeez! If she is on the spectrum, it's better to know as soon as possible so that you are able help her the most.

I think for the longer term, role playing on how to be a good listener is a good idea. Being a good listener is a skill for sure and you could help her practice it at home.

As for tonight, I think you should at least talk to her about what it means to be the coach's daughter. She needs to know that this does NOT mean that she is more important than anyone else or better than anyone else. If anything, it means that the spotlight will be on her to set a good example when it comes to listening to the coaches and being a good teammate. She needs to know that going in, so she doesn't forget to listen.

That said, team sports can be great for kids who are going through a socially awkward stage (and most kids do at some point). So good for her for finding a sport where she can excel and gain confidence in herself as a person. The attention-seeking may let up as she gains more confidence in herself.

I just wanted to make a few comments. I don't know your daughter or you, and I know you gave us a lot of information here. I don't see anything wrong with her personality, it's who she is. At her age, she doesn't seem immature in what you wrote, she sounds like a very high energy girl. I remember when my son was in the 6th grade and this girl came up to me, and started talking a mile a minute, she's 16 and still talks a lot, but she's the sweetest, kindest, smart, young lady I know. I met her mom about 3 years ago, and I know where she gets it. (I'm not saying you are like your daughter either) Talk to her about body language, but also let her be her loud self, I think it's so important for kids to be happy with who they are. You have so many, especially girls, trying to fit in to be like everyone else and hate who they are. That is sad in my book. My son is really good friends this his loud friend, she's a real sweetheart and she's the life of the party. I like her a lot.

Secondly, I was the daughter of the softball coach from 6-12th grade. Now, I've always been the shy type and not like a lot of attention. I loved softball. I used to tell my dad to take me out or not start me if I thought there were other people who were better, which I must say, I was pretty good. (LOL) Seriously though, I didn't want everyone to think my dad played me because I was his daughter. After games or during, I'd say take me out, not so everyone would hear me, I wanted to make sure everyone played and had fun.
So I think you should mention or have your husband talk to her before practice on being the coach's daughter and what does that mean and how to act.
I do think you are doing a great job from everything you said, and my comments are just from another perspective and I don't know your daughter, so what you are writing sounds pretty normal for an upbeat kid that age that loves attention.

Have you tried role playing with her? Maybe if you can show her what point she is annoying she will learn to recognize it?

My SD..crashes through life. And sometimes she's annoying and sometimes she's not. She's learned to rein it in as an adult and I think theatre helped a lot. Can your DD do theatre? We worked with her (and with DD, too) on "time and place" and when to let others take a turn. SD would monopolize the dinner table to the point where SS would just shut up and eat and be excused. We had to intervene so he could be heard, too.

When she interrupts you or keeps talking over you, can you simply say, "Jenny, I understand that you want to tell me something, but right now I cannot give your story attention. You have to wait til after x. If you think you'll forget, go write it down."

I would also find other times to tell her things like, "I really appreciate how you waited til I was done with John's homework. Now I can give you my full attention."

Have you read the book "How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and How to Listen so Kids will Talk"? I thought of it when reading your post because it describes how to help kids come up with their own solutions to situations or problems. It's a quick, easy to read book, but so helpful in many parenting situations.

Maybe you could put it to her like "Hey, you need to set an example for the other girls since you're the coaches' daughter. Show them that they need to practice their listening skills. After all, God gave us two ears and only one mouth so we could listen twice as much as we talk."

oh please. evaluate what? i don't think there is a need for a medical advice i think you summed it up well, picking up on social cues is what she is missing. that is something you learn. she hasn't yet but she will. if i were you, i would talk to her about it and give her advice for different social settings. trust me, i do this with my 8 year olds. for the longest time it seemed they didn't pick up on other's behavior or reactions, they'd just go with that they were saying/doing. i thought compared to their peers they were behind, so instead of letting them make themselves distinguished as immature, i started talking to them about it. one has learned much and seems much improved. the other one is getting there, this latter one also doesn't seem to have as many friends as her sister. it's just because she isn't mature enough. i don't see anything wrong with pointing things out. it won't affect her self-esteem, you're her mom. her self-esteem will get affected when her friends start making fun of her. good luck

Why does every child with a quirk, or is slow to learn something, have to have some kind of problem? When will we stop having to classify our children if they aren't like "all the other children?"

Every child learns things at a different time. Your child is slower to learn about social cues. My daughter didn't pick up on social cues until she turned 10. We had to have a lot of conversations and do a lot of play acting with dolls. She used to be loud, bossy, she didn't want to play with kids unless they were doing what SHE wanted and as a result, she didn't have a lot of friends. Once it "clicked" she was a lot of fun to be around and now she has a lot of friends. We never once told her that she had a problem and she didn't need to be tested. She just needed some time to grow up and stop thinking only about herself. (Now she is very caring toward others). The turning point for her was when someone turned to her and said "You're so bossy. I don't want to play with you." She cried, I provided a shoulder to cry on and we helped her together. That was when she WANTED to change. And she did.

The opposite would be being shy. As a very shy person I was didn't have a lot of friends because I was very quiet. I grew out of it at age 18. I really appreciate it that I wasn't "tested" or told that something was wrong with me. I came out of it in my own time.

NOTHING is wrong with your daughter. She will learn both with your help and from the tough times in life.

Your daughter may turn out to be a movie star, or a cheerleader :) They love to be the center of attention. I have a few girls ages 9-11 on my team that are like your daughter. They make great cheerleaders.

Work with your daughter. Be there for her. Help her by being kind but truthful. She's going to need to make mistakes and then she'll WANT to change. Isn't that what kids do as they grow up?

She likely does it with you more than other people... But one other thing you could try is to point it out when other people do it. Or even make people up you don't want to be friends with bc they insist on doing all the talking or they constantly interupt. I think hearing about someone else vs feeling like you're being criticized is sometimes more effective. I would also correct her etc. I think that's a mother's job. But I noticed that when I observe negative things about other kids, my kids pick up on it. Not that I'm bashing other kids... But things like "she seems really bossy. That's not a good way to be. Do you think other kids find it annoying?" It really seems to make them stop and think. Same time, this could be an area your daughter really isn't strong in and maybe a class at an OT would be helpful. I think we as parents know when something isn't quite right.